Are you there god? It's me, drunk on 4 liters of laxative

Real talk about colonosopy and adult rites of passage, and doing hard things

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I just downed 16 of these in a row. I may never be the same. Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Rites of passage, like many things in adult life, are often not fun and shrouded in shame and mystery. Alas, it seems this remains true from getting your first period to menopause and beyond.

So even though I didn’t really want to write about getting a colonoscopy for the first time, I thought hey, why not tear back the hospital curtain as it were, and make it easier to talk about?

Last week

Anne Helen Petersen

did a post like this with real talk about fibroids (which I also had in my 30’s!), and I found the frank conversation really refreshing and normalizing. I wish I’d had it ten years ago.

And dear

Meg Conley

has been live-posting and writing through her painful recovery this week from a surgery to correct a deviated septum in her nose, and gosh, I found it very relatable and tender. We so seldom share the parts of our lives that make us vulnerable and human and doing hard, not-pretty things.

I have noticed that I’ve been more loathe to discuss getting a colonoscopy than I might be for other minor procedures, like say, having a questionable mole removed. I think this is for a couple reasons. One is the obvious very much not-pretty bathroom nature of it, and the second I think is that it’s a firm “Welcome to the 40’s Club” rite of passage.

So here’s to shrugging off low-key aging shame, and the urge to always be “feminine” and embracing doing hard things to take care of yourself—and just being grateful if you have the insurance or cash to do it.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself in the last year is my urge to optimize everything, from the choice of school for my child to how I organize my day. How can I optimally use this lunch break? Sure I got in a workout today, but was yoga optimal, should I have done more cardio? I’m often second-guessing my choices: Should I have done it better—should I have done something different?

Obviously it’s not a great habit of mind! But perfectionism and vigilance is something that women in particular are conditioned to from a young age. Lately I’ve been trying to catch myself and re-direct the impulse toward “optimizing” the things that make me healthier and happier where I can.

Sometimes that means watching TV so that I can give my brain a real break (did you know that you can injure your brain from too much intense focus??), and doing a better job of taking care of my body. Not in a diet culture way, but in a “maintain my ability to still do some push-ups and can someone tell me why my hip is hurting now every time I stand up?” kind of way.

The meaning of optimize is to make as perfect or effective as possible—which I would like to leave behind. But it also means to make as functional as possible—and that’s what I would like to lean into.

I look after my child’s health semi-obsessively, but often struggle to stay on top of my own healthcare. Anybody else struggle to get into the doctor after COVID shutdown and just kind of fall off the wagon on preventative stuff like mammograms, prostate exams, going to the dentist…?

Here’s me trying to play catch up, because I want to spend as many healthy days on this earth with my kid and loved ones as I can manage.

And you know what’s kinda tough about doing this stuff as adults, in addition to just *not talking about it*? There’s no one to hold your hand and tell you that you’re brave—which is what we do for our kiddos.

(Confession: When I was a kid the kind dentist’s assistant always held my hand during the painful parts, and one of the reasons I don’t like going to the dentist is because I can’t ask them to hold my hand anymore. And I really want to!)

When

Meg Conley

posted about her painful surgery, at the end she asked: Hey, do you have to do something hard this week? This month? Share it, big or small, and I'll tell you that you can do it.

And gosh, I didn’t know how much I needed that this week. So here are my suggestions/real talk for the not-fun-but-potentially-life-saving procedure-of -getting-your-nethers power-washed so that you can have the gift of a potentially longer and healthier life.

Think of this as me holding your hand if you need that— for this or some other not-fun or rite of passage thing you’re doing now.

And please feel free to share your own experience with having your nethers power-washed in the comments. Knowledge is power! Normalize the colonoscope!

So here’s what I wish I knew going into this for the first time that no one—including the doctor!—told me.

There are some things that would have been good to know if you’re a a caregiver, or have a job, or drive a car, or have any responsibilities that might be impeded by, well, drinking 4 liters of laxative.

It’s easy in adult life to be like, “I can just power through this while conducting my everyday life, because that’s what I have to do all the time.” That’s what I did and I don’t recommend!

1.     Make a plan for prep ahead of time—this will derail your daily routine (and your family’s)

Most people know that the prep is unpleasant and requires drinking a lot of not-tasty fluid. What I wish I had known was that the prep is unpleasant, sure, but it’s TIME CONSUMING in a way that you really have to plan for—it’s going to disrupt your daily routine pretty massively.