I think this sentence really crystalized it for me: "It’s hard not to stand by as a woman and not feel like you’re treated as a mere vessel or tool to solve other’s problems, or create opportunities for others." It is an outrage that so much policy and public discourse is driven by men or people who block out the voices of women in this country. It's gaslighting and cruel. Always appreciate the way you amplify experiences here Lane!
“Women hold everything so we give them more to hold.” OMG. At a team offsite, they had a motivational speaker come. Our team was 100% women, and we provided executive and business support, everything from calendar management to travel to office and space management to budget oversight.
The speaker asked for a volunteer (I offered). She then asked me a series of questions about what I did at work, and for every answer, gave me something to hold. Within a minute, my arms were full of items representing work.
Then she asked me about personal life stuff. Hobbies. House. Fitness. Cooking. Family stuff (pre-kid). And within another minute, I could no longer hold everything she handed me.
Perhaps one of the most visceral experiences ever of “women hold everything”.
Amen! Well said overall. Pronatalism is literally the logic of a Ponzi/pyramid scheme at best, using women (and children as well) solely as means to an end rather than treating them as ends in themselves. All to prop up capitalism and patriarchy, basically.
Right?? But on a serious note, there’s such a vast difference between having a kid because your society has a good structure for them vs having a kid for a mere check. Like what’s $5000 if the kid doesn’t have healthcare or funded schools? Thanks for this essay.
Lane, thank you for having the courage to put this together and publish this essay. It is well-researched and beautifully written. I have five children. My oldest will be twenty-two next month, and my youngest is seven. I love them all so much, but money is tight. I recently left bedside nursing after eleven years to recover from a very severe professional burnout. So, I'm not working full time right now, and the strain of providing for four children is sometimes overwhelming. But I am finally home with them after all this time. I am ashamed of how much I missed while they were busy growing up.
I realize now that all those years I spent busting my ass and begging for overtime so we could live comfortably were wasted. I was not here and not present for my children. I spent all of my time taking care of other people, working in a toxic environment, and had nothing left when I came home.
Women are not supported. We are alienated. We are expected to do it all. We are expected to be career-driven femme fatales while rearing children and holding our households together simultaneously. It's unrealistic.
I enjoyed reading this. We need to stick together. Women deserve respect. As I piece my life back together, I ensure that my kids are part of it all. I will never abandon them for a career that doesn't even appreciate me ever again. And I will keep fighting for women's rights and try to give a voice to those who need help sharing their stories. Thank you for paving the way, Lane!
The baselines for what is considered normal for our species are corrupted by hierarchical civilization and the patriarchy that accompanies it of the last few thousand years. 99% of human genus existence over millions of years was matrifocal, centralizing maternal and baby wellbeing, in egalitarian small band foraging communities. We evolved to raise children as a community. There was little concern for who the father was (which patriarchy centralizes). Our species' evolved nest is communal and fosters thriving because children are well nurtured to have well functioning biological and psychological systems which are established in babyhood. See our research at EvolvedNest.org and one of our little films, BreakingTheCycleFilm.org
In response to the story in the NYT about Finland's consistent high scores on happiness, I commented:
One must realize that set points for health and wellbeing are established in early childhood (as my and others' research indicates). Paid parental leave and relaxed, supported parents will be more likely to be able to provide a nurturing environment as our species requires (the evolved nest). Finland is a true democracy that focuses on the wellbeing of all its people, governed by its people. The USA does not attend to the wellbeing of all its people anymore. It is not a democracy in that way. Instead, the wellbeing of corporations (and oligarchs) is the focus, even to the extent that their lobbyists pressure politicians against supporting the wellbeing of the populace--for example, infant formula companies lobby against paid family leave (which would allow mothers to breastfeed, eating into their profits).
The USA has neglected what traditional societies and the Finns know: baby wellbeing brings about adult wellbeing and societal contentment.
I recently read Caliban and the Witch and I highly recommend it for anyone seeking historical context and precedent for our current lack of abortion rights, push for more babies, and general disregard for women. We DO need a complete cultural/social/political overhaul, desperately.
As for the manchildren who don't pull their weight? Well, in a Darwinian sense, they will ultimately lose to Mother Nature by going extinct within a few generations tops, as progressively fewer and fewer women would be willing to procreate with them since procreation is optional (for now at least). So this problem is at least somewhat self-correcting in that regard.
I think this sentence really crystalized it for me: "It’s hard not to stand by as a woman and not feel like you’re treated as a mere vessel or tool to solve other’s problems, or create opportunities for others." It is an outrage that so much policy and public discourse is driven by men or people who block out the voices of women in this country. It's gaslighting and cruel. Always appreciate the way you amplify experiences here Lane!
TY my friend! ❤️ Absolutely 💯
“Women hold everything so we give them more to hold.” OMG. At a team offsite, they had a motivational speaker come. Our team was 100% women, and we provided executive and business support, everything from calendar management to travel to office and space management to budget oversight.
The speaker asked for a volunteer (I offered). She then asked me a series of questions about what I did at work, and for every answer, gave me something to hold. Within a minute, my arms were full of items representing work.
Then she asked me about personal life stuff. Hobbies. House. Fitness. Cooking. Family stuff (pre-kid). And within another minute, I could no longer hold everything she handed me.
Perhaps one of the most visceral experiences ever of “women hold everything”.
Wow, what a powerful image and experience. Thanks for sharing this!
Woah thx for sharing this. What an exercise! Literally holding it all.
Amen! Well said overall. Pronatalism is literally the logic of a Ponzi/pyramid scheme at best, using women (and children as well) solely as means to an end rather than treating them as ends in themselves. All to prop up capitalism and patriarchy, basically.
Yep!
Imagine your mom telling you she had you for a 5k check 💀
And The way things are going , that will be worth $5 in a few years 😅😩
Right?? But on a serious note, there’s such a vast difference between having a kid because your society has a good structure for them vs having a kid for a mere check. Like what’s $5000 if the kid doesn’t have healthcare or funded schools? Thanks for this essay.
💯 this: “there’s such a vast difference between having a kid because your society has a good structure for them vs having a kid for a mere check.”
Thank you for reading! :)
😂
Lane, thank you for having the courage to put this together and publish this essay. It is well-researched and beautifully written. I have five children. My oldest will be twenty-two next month, and my youngest is seven. I love them all so much, but money is tight. I recently left bedside nursing after eleven years to recover from a very severe professional burnout. So, I'm not working full time right now, and the strain of providing for four children is sometimes overwhelming. But I am finally home with them after all this time. I am ashamed of how much I missed while they were busy growing up.
I realize now that all those years I spent busting my ass and begging for overtime so we could live comfortably were wasted. I was not here and not present for my children. I spent all of my time taking care of other people, working in a toxic environment, and had nothing left when I came home.
Women are not supported. We are alienated. We are expected to do it all. We are expected to be career-driven femme fatales while rearing children and holding our households together simultaneously. It's unrealistic.
I enjoyed reading this. We need to stick together. Women deserve respect. As I piece my life back together, I ensure that my kids are part of it all. I will never abandon them for a career that doesn't even appreciate me ever again. And I will keep fighting for women's rights and try to give a voice to those who need help sharing their stories. Thank you for paving the way, Lane!
The baselines for what is considered normal for our species are corrupted by hierarchical civilization and the patriarchy that accompanies it of the last few thousand years. 99% of human genus existence over millions of years was matrifocal, centralizing maternal and baby wellbeing, in egalitarian small band foraging communities. We evolved to raise children as a community. There was little concern for who the father was (which patriarchy centralizes). Our species' evolved nest is communal and fosters thriving because children are well nurtured to have well functioning biological and psychological systems which are established in babyhood. See our research at EvolvedNest.org and one of our little films, BreakingTheCycleFilm.org
In response to the story in the NYT about Finland's consistent high scores on happiness, I commented:
One must realize that set points for health and wellbeing are established in early childhood (as my and others' research indicates). Paid parental leave and relaxed, supported parents will be more likely to be able to provide a nurturing environment as our species requires (the evolved nest). Finland is a true democracy that focuses on the wellbeing of all its people, governed by its people. The USA does not attend to the wellbeing of all its people anymore. It is not a democracy in that way. Instead, the wellbeing of corporations (and oligarchs) is the focus, even to the extent that their lobbyists pressure politicians against supporting the wellbeing of the populace--for example, infant formula companies lobby against paid family leave (which would allow mothers to breastfeed, eating into their profits).
The USA has neglected what traditional societies and the Finns know: baby wellbeing brings about adult wellbeing and societal contentment.
I recently read Caliban and the Witch and I highly recommend it for anyone seeking historical context and precedent for our current lack of abortion rights, push for more babies, and general disregard for women. We DO need a complete cultural/social/political overhaul, desperately.
Oh, this is such a good rec!
Indeed
https://www.aclu.org/news/immigrants-rights/fact-checking-family-separation
Over and over I read “people who choose not to have children” when clearly in many circumstances it is not a choice. Do better. Write better.
As for the manchildren who don't pull their weight? Well, in a Darwinian sense, they will ultimately lose to Mother Nature by going extinct within a few generations tops, as progressively fewer and fewer women would be willing to procreate with them since procreation is optional (for now at least). So this problem is at least somewhat self-correcting in that regard.
Silver lining??
I hope so and then I read TwoXChromosomes on Reddit and am not convinced.😭