A fantastic post on a very necessary and mature subject. Wow. My mother was a very challenging person to have as a mother, and one of the best ways she loved me was by having everything in order when she died. I barely had to deal with anything. It was a way she showed me how much she loved me—doing all that work.
Katherine, thank you! I can’t say enough how helpful I found Beth’s book. We are in a good place to start thinking ahead about this in my family and her work is so practical and useful!
My sister is a lawyer who has as one of her primary tasks estate planning and wills. She works part time with my dad who is still working full time for now (he does more criminal defense work) but is likely looking to retire at some point in the next few years (he will be 61 in September). So I don’t worry about my family having solid plans- I have 3 grandparents who are still living, and we have been made aware of what their wills say, and how they have been updated to reflect changes over the years.
My maternal grandfather is a big planner, and at 90 years old, he is already being proactive about clearing out his home of my grandma’s clothes and purses (she died in 2021) and my uncle’s records and magazines and such (he died in 2022) because he doesn’t want my mom to be stuck with a huge mess when he eventually dies. This is such a kind and thoughtful thing to do, and I know my mom appreciates that her dad is thinking about how his actions now will affect her future.
My paternal grandparents have plenty of financial resources to do whatever they want, but like many people, they don’t want to be a burden, and although my grandma doesn’t have a dementia diagnosis yet, she is 87 and had a mild stroke which resulted in a diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment. I have been tasked with calling on Saturday each week (calling on a set day seems to help her) and helping to remind her of what things she needs to know and have her write them down because her short term memory (especially for things like birthdays that she’s worried about remembering has gotten so much worse). She and her husband have been married since the 70s, and he’s 91 and can’t really hear (he does have hearing aids but doesn’t wear them often)and can’t see well enough to drive anymore. So he is dependent on her to drive, and she’s dependent on him to help with basic tasks like cooking because she is struggling with multi-step processes like making grits. My mom and dad have been talking to them about whether bringing nurses in to help or moving to an assisted living facility closer to my parents makes the most sense, and so far the conversations haven’t led to any resolution.
My grandma has been the person that I love talking to more than anything over the years! I see so much of my personality in hers, and I look quite similar to how she looked in her 30s. I would love if she were in an assisted living facility near my parents so I could visit her more often and reminisce with her about when she was young or when my sister and I were little, and we had so much fun visiting her on a regular basis. But she won’t do that unless her husband wants to do it, and apparently that’s not what he wants, so I don’t know what’s going to happen.
A fantastic post on a very necessary and mature subject. Wow. My mother was a very challenging person to have as a mother, and one of the best ways she loved me was by having everything in order when she died. I barely had to deal with anything. It was a way she showed me how much she loved me—doing all that work.
Thanks for this reflection! Getting things in place in this way lifts so much of a burden from folks left behind. Really appreciate this.
"one of the best ways she loved me was by having everything in order when she died."
I love this!
Same!
I want everyone I know to read this post and Beth’s book. Thank you!
Katherine, thank you! I can’t say enough how helpful I found Beth’s book. We are in a good place to start thinking ahead about this in my family and her work is so practical and useful!
Aw thanks Katherine! I love how not-intimidating this list of to-do's is!
My sister is a lawyer who has as one of her primary tasks estate planning and wills. She works part time with my dad who is still working full time for now (he does more criminal defense work) but is likely looking to retire at some point in the next few years (he will be 61 in September). So I don’t worry about my family having solid plans- I have 3 grandparents who are still living, and we have been made aware of what their wills say, and how they have been updated to reflect changes over the years.
My maternal grandfather is a big planner, and at 90 years old, he is already being proactive about clearing out his home of my grandma’s clothes and purses (she died in 2021) and my uncle’s records and magazines and such (he died in 2022) because he doesn’t want my mom to be stuck with a huge mess when he eventually dies. This is such a kind and thoughtful thing to do, and I know my mom appreciates that her dad is thinking about how his actions now will affect her future.
My paternal grandparents have plenty of financial resources to do whatever they want, but like many people, they don’t want to be a burden, and although my grandma doesn’t have a dementia diagnosis yet, she is 87 and had a mild stroke which resulted in a diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment. I have been tasked with calling on Saturday each week (calling on a set day seems to help her) and helping to remind her of what things she needs to know and have her write them down because her short term memory (especially for things like birthdays that she’s worried about remembering has gotten so much worse). She and her husband have been married since the 70s, and he’s 91 and can’t really hear (he does have hearing aids but doesn’t wear them often)and can’t see well enough to drive anymore. So he is dependent on her to drive, and she’s dependent on him to help with basic tasks like cooking because she is struggling with multi-step processes like making grits. My mom and dad have been talking to them about whether bringing nurses in to help or moving to an assisted living facility closer to my parents makes the most sense, and so far the conversations haven’t led to any resolution.
My grandma has been the person that I love talking to more than anything over the years! I see so much of my personality in hers, and I look quite similar to how she looked in her 30s. I would love if she were in an assisted living facility near my parents so I could visit her more often and reminisce with her about when she was young or when my sister and I were little, and we had so much fun visiting her on a regular basis. But she won’t do that unless her husband wants to do it, and apparently that’s not what he wants, so I don’t know what’s going to happen.