You may have heard that the latest season of The Bachelorette, starring The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives star, Taylor Frankie Paul, has been cancelled following the release of video footage featuring Paul engaged in a domestic dispute with her on and off again partner.
What I have to say here is less about that particular situation, and more about what patriarchal conditioning and structures can teach us about domestic abuse and violence, and how they are connected.
CW: Brief mentions of domestic abuse and and domestic violence.
Watch or listen to the video for the full story! But here’s the rundown:
I think it’s useful to look at DA through the lens of Mormonism, because it’s an explicitly patriarchal institution that can help us think about the larger patriarchal culture that we all live in. You don’t have to look too closely, imo, to see that domestic violence is clearly connected to rigid and regressive gender roles. Regressive gender roles and patriarchal conditioning lead to sexism and are a driver of domestic violence.
For example: as with many Christian conservative religions and movements (see also: tradwives, the manosphere, etc.), in Mormonism there’s a push for young women to get married young and have children young. For example most of the women from TSLOMW were teen moms, a fact that often gets overlooked. Many young women in these religious cultures get married and start having children before their brains are fully matured and before they fully reach adulthood. This then leads to an unequal dynamic where women are often beholden to a man financially for their adult lives in order to create stability for themselves and their children.
This dynamic is ripe for abuse, as it’s difficult for women to advocate for themselves or their children or leave the relationship since they are financially dependent. Teen pregnancies and young mothers are at a much higher risk of abuse and coercion by their partners.
In addition, in Mormonism there's strong cultural shame around divorce that puts particular pressure on women to keep marriages intact in order to preserve their "eternal family." But this is true in the broader culture too—consider the stigmatization of “single moms” and especially for women of color. Instead of honoring these women for holding their families together single-handedly, they get shamed for stepping outside of patriarchal norms and having a family without a man.
But here’s the kicker about marriage: getting married is risky for all women in a patriarchal society. The cultural messaging around marriage ignores clear recent research that marriage benefits men more than women. Married fathers receive an earnings boost while mothers receive a penalty receiving significantly less pay and fewer promotions. Women are disproportionately likely to end marriages, in part because even if they work outside the home, research shows women still do hours more of the housework while married men enjoy more leisure time.
Marriage promotion (often done by right-wing conservatives, but also by “masculinity experts” like our guy Scott Galloway) leaves out the stats showing that men abuse their female partners in the U.S. in startlingly high numbers—1 in 4 women report abuse from their partners, and 1 in 7 are injured, according to National Statistics on Domestic violence. Heterosexual partnership is a key driver of homicide: 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.
The research shows that marriage makes men happier, but not women. And often makes women unsafe.
Meanwhile, for men, patriarchal masculinity conditions men to believe that they are the authority figures in a home and that women are subordinate. Refusal of a woman to “honor” that role and refuse to be submissive can threaten a man’s idea of manhood.
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For example, in the case of Taylor and Dakota, he has tried to coerce Taylor every which way into marrying him—through cultural shame, through bargaining, through emotional manipulation. Even though Taylor has made it clear that she doesn’t want to be married to him, he can’t seem to get over it or take no for an answer. If you ascribe to a patriarchal masculinity that says that you are an authority and superior, it can be incredibly threatening if a woman refuses you when she is meant to be inferior and should be lucky to have you. Being denied by a woman who fathered your child but doesn’t want to submit to marry you can threaten your very identity and manhood in a system of male dominance.
So obviously, her going on the Bachelorette and looking for a new mate while also asserting her own independence and having more success and cultural ascendance than he has is going to be very threatening to his sense of self and entitlement. In the leaked video we see Taylor engaging in DA, but we also have seen many seasons and scenes of coercive abuse used against her that would lead to this kind of thing as retaliation. I’m not saying it’s okay, I am saying these dynamics are not happening in a vacuum—they are shaped within these larger structures.
And again, I would be also remiss to say that this is specific to Mormonism. This is true of the patriarchal society that we all live in. Even if you think about the Epstein Files, for example, this connects: If you live in a culture where domination of women is a way to earn status, abuse flourishes on several levels. You can build your status and power by abusing women (and children). You can also lose status if you’re not able to control women, which also leads to abuse.
Research just came out from King’s college saying that 30% of young Gen Z men think that wives should obey their husbands. And we have a record number of young women opting out of dating and marriage. I wonder why!
The larger cultural significance is that conservative notions of early marriage and early childbearing are no longer just in certain subcultures, but have moved to the halls of power. One in 4 young Trump voters agree that “men should lead, and women should follow.” And hetero marriage promotion and pronatalism are the focus of the Heritage Foundation and Project 2025. Emily Amick does a great job breaking this down here.
Once again, if patriarchal masculinity cultures like these claim that women should get married young and have babies young, and promise that men are their “protectors,” then why is that so many women need protection from…men within patriarchal structures? Make it make sense.
Tell me your thoughts in the comments!
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