About a year ago, after 10+ years of motherhood and marriage to a controlling partner (that is now ending), I started making solo retreats to a small second home owned by my mom. These retreats were and continue to be short and infrequent- 2 or 3 days no more than once per month (max). During these retreats, when I’m not performing my day job remotely, I don’t do much. I read, go for walks, stare at the sky, journal, and yes, sleep naked. They have unequivocally saved me from “going off the deep end” amid utter and complete mental exhaustion and pathological levels of frustration.
I’m trying to figure how to explain this fact to my husband, who is deeply resentful that I do this. As we attempt to negotiate a co-parenting schedule amid our separation, he insists that we swap duties “every other day” in a clear bid to prevent me from leaving town, ever. He claims that it’s “not equitable” that I have easy access to a space outside our home. My attempts to encourage to him to book airbnbs anytime he wants, or take extended trips to visit friends and family (he works remotely so this is totally doable) are met with more resentment.
As I ponder this situation, there’s a quote from Marianne in the show “Normal People” that constantly runs through my head: “From my experience, men are more interested in limiting the freedoms of women than they are in exercising their own.”
Wow, thanks for sharing this Meg. From what you’ve written here this is a powerful example of a man trying to exercise control by deliberately cutting you off from something you need and have tried to assert. Very messed up! This quote is excellent.
I kind of want you to pretend you don’t have access to that property anymore and see if he will drop it 😅 It’s none of his business how you spend your time!!
Also, if you’re not already following Lyz Lenz and Cindy ditiberio here on Substack they are fantastic divorce resources. I wish I’d had them when I was divorcing!
Thanks so much, Lane, and yes, I follow Lyn Lenz and Cindy DiTiberio! Honestly, Substack has been an incredible resource amid all this, both from a practical standpoint and as a source of emotional support-the raw honesty that comes out here is hard to find elsewhere.
Just remind yourself, Meg, that you are no longer responsible for his well being ( I know, you never were, but it felt like it.) it took me awhile to figure this out, that his feelings were no longer my concern.
Thanks, Kathleen! I know, and I do try to remind myself that. But I think I have this fear that if I “push the envelope” (in his view), he might get fed up and pursue a really contentious divorce just out of spite, or deliberately try to make my life difficult in some way.
I don’t really think he would, but the thought makes me doubt myself.
Thank you for sharing - every bit of this is incredibly relatable! One thought: there is something different about being in your own home and alone - different from a hotel room on a work trip, etc. I tend to think it's the Peace and Freedom that comes with that privacy and solitude in one's own, hopefully safe, space. We can be our completely authentic selves. We don't have to even subconsciously wonder or worry if those close to us need something. We can focus solely on our own needs. That feeling and experience is way too infrequent for most women but so needed to hang on to and embrace our own sense of Self.
Second, for those who have the resources for an extra room in their home: Claim that room as yours! It's your place where you can escape and get some solitude even when someone else is in the house. No one can come in until they knock and are granted access. Even better if that room has an attached bathroom. My male partner and I have rolled this way since August of 2020 and it works stunningly well. Just my .02.
I love this for you, may you find much more blissful solitude!!
I'm deeply introverted, I love being alone, I NEED to be alone far more than most people. I realized this was part of the reason my marriage didn't work, we thankfully didn't have kids, I never wanted to. I lived by myself for 10 years (all of my 20's) before I moved in with my ex, together 11 years, now separated 7, lived alone again since, absolute bliss. I will never EVER live with another person again. Some people (who don't know me well) ask me if I ever get lonely, it's incredibly rare, I've never been more at peace and content than I am at this point in my life (8 years of therapy also helped, lol). I schedule days where I don't leave the house, don't open the blinds, don't watch TV, or listen to music with vocals, a day completely devoid of any human input, cannot recommend enough, deeply healing. 💙
Wow, I love this idea: I schedule days where I don't leave the house, don't open the blinds, don't watch TV, or listen to music with vocals, a day completely devoid of any human input, cannot recommend enough, deeply healing.
I have never even thought of it! The closest I came was a silent yoga retreat that I went to by myself, and, yes, it was healing. That's the word!
It is exactly a silent retreat at home! I started this practice after going to one and loved it so much I wanted to recreate it where I felt most comfortable in the world, home. I would love to read about your experience if you find the time and space to do it, and I hope you do!!
If you're looking for incredibly calming music, I highly recommend The Light Meeting; I meditate often to two of their songs, Monsoon (30 mins), and To Dream (29 mins). I've found this music also calms pets!!
Thanks so much for the suggestion, I was thinking the same thing as I read how many women here LOVE living alone, or alone-ish!
And thanks for the music rec, I think I will definitely try this for the more full "retreat" experience! Now I'm really thinking how I can maximize this...haha.
In my first marriage I learned to emerse myself in a book to the point I heard nothing around me and could ignore everything -including a teenaged boy and a 100 pound dog nudging me. The marriage was not good and that was my only respite. Years later, single, traveling 65% of the time for work, living in a condo in a city where I only knew co-workers, I revealed in the solitude of a quiet home, music I loved, long walks and picnic dinners in the park. I ate what I wanted each day and grew comfortable with myself. Clock forward to a second marriage to a man who also traveled. Our kids were grown. We lived in different cities. My place one weekend, his the next. Each took care of our own homes, laundry, cooking. Then we moved to one location, I retired while he continued to travel for work. I started a charity, developed girl friends (my field had been predominately male), took care of grandchildren, accepted occastional work contracts but with his working, carved out lots of time for solitude. Then he retired! No worries. Three years of him sailing the Great Lakes May to September while I stayed home and cared for the cats. (Yes, cats)! Sold the boat and downsized. Suddenly we were together more than ever before. It was too much. Told him to go visit his out of state daughter several times a year. I went to visit out of state family (but that was not solitude for me). Then came COVID and we actually did quite well. However, here we are with another downsize and in our late seventies in good health. We love to travel and sing with an audition chorus, and we participate in Trivia weekly. I have my own friends I see for lunch, take classes with, go on long weekends with and I take long walks daily, I drive mostly while he reads in silence - but I'm not alone. Often I am lonely. Even in that loneliness I cherish the occasional night when he goes to Trivia alone or has a unexpected evening out with the guys. Even better when he plans to visit that out of town daughter! (Especially when he doesn't make the visit coincide with a trip I'm taking with my friends). I seek the solitude. He wants to retire to a large retirement facility with step up care as needed telling me it would be just like living in a dorm. I've never lived in a dorm, don't want to and will fight this idea right up to the time I have no choice but to give in. I really want to be alone.
Thank you for sharing! Fascinating how many women here are talking about how they PREFER to live alone or be alone. I, too, learned to immerse myself in a book early in life to get through almost anything unpleasant and yes--feel "alone."
I didn't put this in the essay but I actually was living alone in my own apt. before I met my now partner, and I think back on that time with such fondness!!
I’m curious why he would think the facility is like living in a dorm. Wouldn’t it be more like living in an apartment building that has activities? To me a dorm denotes noise, strangers, sharing facilities. Whereas you’d have your own apartment, it’d be quiet (?), you’d not be compelled to partake of social activities, etc
He sees us as joining in multiple “clubs” to fill the day, never having to go outside-we could do all our walking indoors. I see it as being In a cage with expectations of forced social activity. I realized I could close the door to all of it but I would also have to deal with constant expectations to socialize. In addition, his perfect place is gated which makes me feel like I’m locked in and others are locked out. Last time we visited friends there it took me over 25 minutes to convince the hairs to let us in even though the friends had registered us as guests. Then it took two attempts to park in different lots before we got in an acceptable space. This was followed by a 10 minute walk to reach the designated meeting place. Hardly optimal. That’s on top of the socialized expectations for residents. Ugh!
I suspect it’s easier to not be lonely when you live alone (by going out, or even with Corona-era fake social stimulation like reading, watching movies etc)…
…than to access alone time living with people where you share a common life. Even in religious communities where theoretically you have some.
Alone in my home - that is the goal! You zoned in on something that was danced around a lot in all that pandemic discourse and research.
I worked remote in my corporate job before the masses and appreciated the flexibility it once offered, but I wasn't alone at home of course with our nanny and son at home. I stayed quite involved with them because I wanted to (it was my first!) and managed full-time work too. My second child had just started full day at pre-school when my mom arrived from overseas for an extended month plus visit. I waited so patiently for the final countdown of that alone time that had taken years. It was blissfully mine for about 3-4 months, holiday season included, before the pandemic hit. <Let's just blank out here because we all know what happened after that first enjoyable month of extended spring break.> As that exhaustion transitioned into another phase of messed up education including teacher shortages, technology hell for developing minds, kids with increased behavior issues, etc., my husband never left.
This elusive dream of home alone that a woman so desperately needs - I have it now after however many years, I actually cannot handle the math to tell you. Not each day, but enough. I am very thankful. Its value is understood by my husband and kids now. It got that bad that the result of having it is quite obvious. Sometimes I think that the 5 years younger version of myself needed it more badly, but the truth is every version of myself needs solitude in safety. Yours does too. .... thanks for letting me share!
Thank you for sharing this, Shaista! I also think some version of this: "Sometimes I think that the 5 years younger version of myself needed it more badly, but the truth is every version of myself needs solitude in safety."
I hadn't linked safety to the need to be alone but I think you're really onto something there. Women feel v safe when they are alone!
Turns out that no one talks about how much women love to be alone!
Relate to this so much! After my second was born, we couldn’t afford outside childcare, so I pretty much never had a break. My only regular alone time for 18 months was when he napped!
Lauren, this was me also for about the first year. It was soooooo intense. I'm not sure my partner and I have fully recovered to this day. And it's part of why I write what I write!
Right??!! I used to love it when the teins were sleeping so much and I wondered why. I often thought it was because I felt like they were safe. But I think you have it. It was because I had time alone!
I am rarely alone which I think is why I often feel lonely. I can’t have a meaningful connection conversation with an old friend if someone else may overhear me. It just isn’t the same.
I tried expressing this once and was met with ridicule. Never alone but lonely? That doesn’t make sense.
That person is not a friend.
These days my best solo time is long work drives in the work van with the camera recording my driving and singing to Miley. And then I might get a cheap motel room in some little town. And I can stretch / yoga / drink wine / eat Brie for dinner. Without any comments from observers.
I’m just barely identifying this for myself but I teach classes for my industry and explain to the students that my introvert/extrovert nature means I looove meeting people and chatting but I also love my solo time on the road and in cheap motels.
There are so many ways I find solitude, and I knew early on that it was vital. I am fortunate to not have had the experience where I couldn't get it - rural living has been a very effective strategy in that way.
Yes. I feel like each member of my large family’s social loneliness leans heavily on ME, Mom, to try to make up for it so that I am never ever ever alone— and that’s on top of all the long-standing pre-pandemic dynamics, and for me it’s also on top of intensive round the clock care of a medically complex child.
Amen amen amen!! It was so strange to me that when I was pregnant and on bed rest with my first - I was alone in my house for 3 months during the day but I never felt lonely. Then when the baby came - I was never alone anymore but I was SO lonely.
I adore this. I had twins at age 38. Then divorced three years later with 80% custody that was more like 100%. While I was still married going to the bathroom was some was heaven. A shower, like a vacation. A trip to the grocery store a year off! Now my twins are 18 and my partner of four years lives in another state. The kids are gone a lot. I see my partner once a month. I have never been happier, or more prolific, btw. Art (in my case novels and music and essays) doesn’t happen with lots of people around. Thank you for writing this. And I love these comments. Three cheers!
I wish I could have hit "like" on every paragraph! Ok, I'm personally not big on nakedness, for me it's more old, wornout sweats, but everything else is just SO TRUE!!
Aw, thanks for this! I'm so glad it resonated. I also am more of a sweats or underwear person (I get cold easily haha) but the freedom of nakedness or partial nakedness and just not being seen really speaks to me.
Like so many women I went from my parents’ home to marriage and kids, then divorce but with little expectation of alone time during visits with their father because he was so unpredictable. (I remember thinking that the best Mothers Day activity would be if they would all go away and let me be at home alone.) My son is developmentally disabled so he remained at home with me until he was 25, when I managed to get him out on his own. At the same time my parents and I bought a house together, which was great for me because I was still working full time and they took care of grocery shopping, errands, and much of the housekeeping. They really took good care of me but about the time that I retired my mom’s health began to fail, and I was so glad that I had the time and energy to care for her and make her last couple of years as good as possible. After she died my dad stayed on with me until my daughter became pregnant with twins and I wanted to move to be closer to them. My dad chose to go back to his home town and later to live with my brother, so in my move I was living alone (in a very comfortable apartment) for the first time in 43 years. The twins are now 13, but over the years I have been very involved with their upbringing and during Covid, with their online learning. I’ve made a couple of moves in that time as rents increased and that has been the only downside to living alone and depending on just my income. I have lots of friends, I’m active in my church, and my little dog and I have a comfortable routine that has made it possible for me to embark on a writing career, which is the perfect occupation for someone who treasures their alone time. I sing in a Rock Voices choir and am able to take advantage of local theater and other opportunities. It’s a good life.
Thanks for sharing this Kathleen. I LOVE a story about a woman creating the life that she wants, and I’m so glad you found this lovely routine and space after all the caring you’ve done for others. How wonderful for you to get your needs met, too!
Oh yes. I so crave a healthy dose being at home alone space. It’s rarely received well when I say this out loud. But then, neither is my non-rested, not game for everyone else’s fun stuff, when I don’t have it, or enough of it. I can’t wait until being at home alone slots go mainstream and/or are a prescribed medicine.
"I can’t wait until being at home alone slots go mainstream and/or are a prescribed medicine." Amen!
I kind of can't believe how resentful I get when my precious "home alone" time is infringed upon. It's so essential to my well-being now! Like, I love you but LEAVEEEEE
What a thoughtful essay. Alone time is SO important.
Hard to square this with 1) the loneliness epidemic, which I can say, as a primary care physician is ABSOLUTELY REAL, and 2) environmentalist calls to radically rethink the way we live, into more community-oriented living arrangements and away from the climate-warming deep isolation of the suburbs.
How can we live in community both for social and environmental reasons, and still make sure everyone has some time to be alone?
Thank you, and SUCH good questions! As a city dweller I can say that it is less isolating and less polluting for me to live in the city where I have a smaller footprint. And also harder to be alone!
About a year ago, after 10+ years of motherhood and marriage to a controlling partner (that is now ending), I started making solo retreats to a small second home owned by my mom. These retreats were and continue to be short and infrequent- 2 or 3 days no more than once per month (max). During these retreats, when I’m not performing my day job remotely, I don’t do much. I read, go for walks, stare at the sky, journal, and yes, sleep naked. They have unequivocally saved me from “going off the deep end” amid utter and complete mental exhaustion and pathological levels of frustration.
I’m trying to figure how to explain this fact to my husband, who is deeply resentful that I do this. As we attempt to negotiate a co-parenting schedule amid our separation, he insists that we swap duties “every other day” in a clear bid to prevent me from leaving town, ever. He claims that it’s “not equitable” that I have easy access to a space outside our home. My attempts to encourage to him to book airbnbs anytime he wants, or take extended trips to visit friends and family (he works remotely so this is totally doable) are met with more resentment.
As I ponder this situation, there’s a quote from Marianne in the show “Normal People” that constantly runs through my head: “From my experience, men are more interested in limiting the freedoms of women than they are in exercising their own.”
Same here, Marianne.
Wow, thanks for sharing this Meg. From what you’ve written here this is a powerful example of a man trying to exercise control by deliberately cutting you off from something you need and have tried to assert. Very messed up! This quote is excellent.
I kind of want you to pretend you don’t have access to that property anymore and see if he will drop it 😅 It’s none of his business how you spend your time!!
Also, if you’re not already following Lyz Lenz and Cindy ditiberio here on Substack they are fantastic divorce resources. I wish I’d had them when I was divorcing!
Thanks so much, Lane, and yes, I follow Lyn Lenz and Cindy DiTiberio! Honestly, Substack has been an incredible resource amid all this, both from a practical standpoint and as a source of emotional support-the raw honesty that comes out here is hard to find elsewhere.
One of my favorite things about Substack is the women I meet here :)
Just remind yourself, Meg, that you are no longer responsible for his well being ( I know, you never were, but it felt like it.) it took me awhile to figure this out, that his feelings were no longer my concern.
Thanks, Kathleen! I know, and I do try to remind myself that. But I think I have this fear that if I “push the envelope” (in his view), he might get fed up and pursue a really contentious divorce just out of spite, or deliberately try to make my life difficult in some way.
I don’t really think he would, but the thought makes me doubt myself.
Great point and I found this SO HARD to get over while I was divorcing.
Thank you for sharing - every bit of this is incredibly relatable! One thought: there is something different about being in your own home and alone - different from a hotel room on a work trip, etc. I tend to think it's the Peace and Freedom that comes with that privacy and solitude in one's own, hopefully safe, space. We can be our completely authentic selves. We don't have to even subconsciously wonder or worry if those close to us need something. We can focus solely on our own needs. That feeling and experience is way too infrequent for most women but so needed to hang on to and embrace our own sense of Self.
Second, for those who have the resources for an extra room in their home: Claim that room as yours! It's your place where you can escape and get some solitude even when someone else is in the house. No one can come in until they knock and are granted access. Even better if that room has an attached bathroom. My male partner and I have rolled this way since August of 2020 and it works stunningly well. Just my .02.
So many suggestions here of women who are living alone or some version of "more alone" and loving it. A room of one's own, and all that!
This I think is incredibly relatable: "We don't have to even subconsciously wonder or worry if those close to us need something."
I love this for you, may you find much more blissful solitude!!
I'm deeply introverted, I love being alone, I NEED to be alone far more than most people. I realized this was part of the reason my marriage didn't work, we thankfully didn't have kids, I never wanted to. I lived by myself for 10 years (all of my 20's) before I moved in with my ex, together 11 years, now separated 7, lived alone again since, absolute bliss. I will never EVER live with another person again. Some people (who don't know me well) ask me if I ever get lonely, it's incredibly rare, I've never been more at peace and content than I am at this point in my life (8 years of therapy also helped, lol). I schedule days where I don't leave the house, don't open the blinds, don't watch TV, or listen to music with vocals, a day completely devoid of any human input, cannot recommend enough, deeply healing. 💙
Wow, I love this idea: I schedule days where I don't leave the house, don't open the blinds, don't watch TV, or listen to music with vocals, a day completely devoid of any human input, cannot recommend enough, deeply healing.
I have never even thought of it! The closest I came was a silent yoga retreat that I went to by myself, and, yes, it was healing. That's the word!
It is exactly a silent retreat at home! I started this practice after going to one and loved it so much I wanted to recreate it where I felt most comfortable in the world, home. I would love to read about your experience if you find the time and space to do it, and I hope you do!!
If you're looking for incredibly calming music, I highly recommend The Light Meeting; I meditate often to two of their songs, Monsoon (30 mins), and To Dream (29 mins). I've found this music also calms pets!!
Thanks so much for the suggestion, I was thinking the same thing as I read how many women here LOVE living alone, or alone-ish!
And thanks for the music rec, I think I will definitely try this for the more full "retreat" experience! Now I'm really thinking how I can maximize this...haha.
In my first marriage I learned to emerse myself in a book to the point I heard nothing around me and could ignore everything -including a teenaged boy and a 100 pound dog nudging me. The marriage was not good and that was my only respite. Years later, single, traveling 65% of the time for work, living in a condo in a city where I only knew co-workers, I revealed in the solitude of a quiet home, music I loved, long walks and picnic dinners in the park. I ate what I wanted each day and grew comfortable with myself. Clock forward to a second marriage to a man who also traveled. Our kids were grown. We lived in different cities. My place one weekend, his the next. Each took care of our own homes, laundry, cooking. Then we moved to one location, I retired while he continued to travel for work. I started a charity, developed girl friends (my field had been predominately male), took care of grandchildren, accepted occastional work contracts but with his working, carved out lots of time for solitude. Then he retired! No worries. Three years of him sailing the Great Lakes May to September while I stayed home and cared for the cats. (Yes, cats)! Sold the boat and downsized. Suddenly we were together more than ever before. It was too much. Told him to go visit his out of state daughter several times a year. I went to visit out of state family (but that was not solitude for me). Then came COVID and we actually did quite well. However, here we are with another downsize and in our late seventies in good health. We love to travel and sing with an audition chorus, and we participate in Trivia weekly. I have my own friends I see for lunch, take classes with, go on long weekends with and I take long walks daily, I drive mostly while he reads in silence - but I'm not alone. Often I am lonely. Even in that loneliness I cherish the occasional night when he goes to Trivia alone or has a unexpected evening out with the guys. Even better when he plans to visit that out of town daughter! (Especially when he doesn't make the visit coincide with a trip I'm taking with my friends). I seek the solitude. He wants to retire to a large retirement facility with step up care as needed telling me it would be just like living in a dorm. I've never lived in a dorm, don't want to and will fight this idea right up to the time I have no choice but to give in. I really want to be alone.
Thank you for sharing! Fascinating how many women here are talking about how they PREFER to live alone or be alone. I, too, learned to immerse myself in a book early in life to get through almost anything unpleasant and yes--feel "alone."
I didn't put this in the essay but I actually was living alone in my own apt. before I met my now partner, and I think back on that time with such fondness!!
I’m curious why he would think the facility is like living in a dorm. Wouldn’t it be more like living in an apartment building that has activities? To me a dorm denotes noise, strangers, sharing facilities. Whereas you’d have your own apartment, it’d be quiet (?), you’d not be compelled to partake of social activities, etc
He sees us as joining in multiple “clubs” to fill the day, never having to go outside-we could do all our walking indoors. I see it as being In a cage with expectations of forced social activity. I realized I could close the door to all of it but I would also have to deal with constant expectations to socialize. In addition, his perfect place is gated which makes me feel like I’m locked in and others are locked out. Last time we visited friends there it took me over 25 minutes to convince the hairs to let us in even though the friends had registered us as guests. Then it took two attempts to park in different lots before we got in an acceptable space. This was followed by a 10 minute walk to reach the designated meeting place. Hardly optimal. That’s on top of the socialized expectations for residents. Ugh!
That’s why I live alone.
I suspect it’s easier to not be lonely when you live alone (by going out, or even with Corona-era fake social stimulation like reading, watching movies etc)…
…than to access alone time living with people where you share a common life. Even in religious communities where theoretically you have some.
Fascinating point! I think you're right.
I lived alone in my own little Carrie Bradshaw Dream of an apt. before I met my now partner, and I also LOVED it.
Alone in my home - that is the goal! You zoned in on something that was danced around a lot in all that pandemic discourse and research.
I worked remote in my corporate job before the masses and appreciated the flexibility it once offered, but I wasn't alone at home of course with our nanny and son at home. I stayed quite involved with them because I wanted to (it was my first!) and managed full-time work too. My second child had just started full day at pre-school when my mom arrived from overseas for an extended month plus visit. I waited so patiently for the final countdown of that alone time that had taken years. It was blissfully mine for about 3-4 months, holiday season included, before the pandemic hit. <Let's just blank out here because we all know what happened after that first enjoyable month of extended spring break.> As that exhaustion transitioned into another phase of messed up education including teacher shortages, technology hell for developing minds, kids with increased behavior issues, etc., my husband never left.
This elusive dream of home alone that a woman so desperately needs - I have it now after however many years, I actually cannot handle the math to tell you. Not each day, but enough. I am very thankful. Its value is understood by my husband and kids now. It got that bad that the result of having it is quite obvious. Sometimes I think that the 5 years younger version of myself needed it more badly, but the truth is every version of myself needs solitude in safety. Yours does too. .... thanks for letting me share!
Thank you for sharing this, Shaista! I also think some version of this: "Sometimes I think that the 5 years younger version of myself needed it more badly, but the truth is every version of myself needs solitude in safety."
I hadn't linked safety to the need to be alone but I think you're really onto something there. Women feel v safe when they are alone!
Turns out that no one talks about how much women love to be alone!
Yes! And in a safe space, which is home for most.
Relate to this so much! After my second was born, we couldn’t afford outside childcare, so I pretty much never had a break. My only regular alone time for 18 months was when he napped!
Lauren, this was me also for about the first year. It was soooooo intense. I'm not sure my partner and I have fully recovered to this day. And it's part of why I write what I write!
Right??!! I used to love it when the teins were sleeping so much and I wondered why. I often thought it was because I felt like they were safe. But I think you have it. It was because I had time alone!
Oh I knew it was bc I had time alone. I would COUNT DOWN to it --haha!
I am rarely alone which I think is why I often feel lonely. I can’t have a meaningful connection conversation with an old friend if someone else may overhear me. It just isn’t the same.
I tried expressing this once and was met with ridicule. Never alone but lonely? That doesn’t make sense.
That person is not a friend.
These days my best solo time is long work drives in the work van with the camera recording my driving and singing to Miley. And then I might get a cheap motel room in some little town. And I can stretch / yoga / drink wine / eat Brie for dinner. Without any comments from observers.
I’m just barely identifying this for myself but I teach classes for my industry and explain to the students that my introvert/extrovert nature means I looove meeting people and chatting but I also love my solo time on the road and in cheap motels.
Of course this makes perfect sense. This unfriend of yours irritates me.
"This unfriend of yours irritates me" is the validating phrase that I didn't know I needed in my life!
There are so many ways I find solitude, and I knew early on that it was vital. I am fortunate to not have had the experience where I couldn't get it - rural living has been a very effective strategy in that way.
This sounds dreamy!
Yes. I feel like each member of my large family’s social loneliness leans heavily on ME, Mom, to try to make up for it so that I am never ever ever alone— and that’s on top of all the long-standing pre-pandemic dynamics, and for me it’s also on top of intensive round the clock care of a medically complex child.
Ah, Cheryl, thanks for sharing. This v relatable for anyone caring for a child or parent or loved one w medical needs ❤️
Amen amen amen!! It was so strange to me that when I was pregnant and on bed rest with my first - I was alone in my house for 3 months during the day but I never felt lonely. Then when the baby came - I was never alone anymore but I was SO lonely.
Agree, Celeste! The isolation of postpartum is brutal. Probably most lonely time of my life, including after my divorce!
I adore this. I had twins at age 38. Then divorced three years later with 80% custody that was more like 100%. While I was still married going to the bathroom was some was heaven. A shower, like a vacation. A trip to the grocery store a year off! Now my twins are 18 and my partner of four years lives in another state. The kids are gone a lot. I see my partner once a month. I have never been happier, or more prolific, btw. Art (in my case novels and music and essays) doesn’t happen with lots of people around. Thank you for writing this. And I love these comments. Three cheers!
Wow, thanks for sharing this Camille. I love this for you! "I have never been happier, or more prolific, btw." the best.
Agree the comments on this one have been fantastic. A secret window to all the women who LOVE being alone, and no one talks about it!
I wish I could have hit "like" on every paragraph! Ok, I'm personally not big on nakedness, for me it's more old, wornout sweats, but everything else is just SO TRUE!!
Aw, thanks for this! I'm so glad it resonated. I also am more of a sweats or underwear person (I get cold easily haha) but the freedom of nakedness or partial nakedness and just not being seen really speaks to me.
Like so many women I went from my parents’ home to marriage and kids, then divorce but with little expectation of alone time during visits with their father because he was so unpredictable. (I remember thinking that the best Mothers Day activity would be if they would all go away and let me be at home alone.) My son is developmentally disabled so he remained at home with me until he was 25, when I managed to get him out on his own. At the same time my parents and I bought a house together, which was great for me because I was still working full time and they took care of grocery shopping, errands, and much of the housekeeping. They really took good care of me but about the time that I retired my mom’s health began to fail, and I was so glad that I had the time and energy to care for her and make her last couple of years as good as possible. After she died my dad stayed on with me until my daughter became pregnant with twins and I wanted to move to be closer to them. My dad chose to go back to his home town and later to live with my brother, so in my move I was living alone (in a very comfortable apartment) for the first time in 43 years. The twins are now 13, but over the years I have been very involved with their upbringing and during Covid, with their online learning. I’ve made a couple of moves in that time as rents increased and that has been the only downside to living alone and depending on just my income. I have lots of friends, I’m active in my church, and my little dog and I have a comfortable routine that has made it possible for me to embark on a writing career, which is the perfect occupation for someone who treasures their alone time. I sing in a Rock Voices choir and am able to take advantage of local theater and other opportunities. It’s a good life.
Thanks for sharing this Kathleen. I LOVE a story about a woman creating the life that she wants, and I’m so glad you found this lovely routine and space after all the caring you’ve done for others. How wonderful for you to get your needs met, too!
Oh yes. I so crave a healthy dose being at home alone space. It’s rarely received well when I say this out loud. But then, neither is my non-rested, not game for everyone else’s fun stuff, when I don’t have it, or enough of it. I can’t wait until being at home alone slots go mainstream and/or are a prescribed medicine.
"I can’t wait until being at home alone slots go mainstream and/or are a prescribed medicine." Amen!
I kind of can't believe how resentful I get when my precious "home alone" time is infringed upon. It's so essential to my well-being now! Like, I love you but LEAVEEEEE
Yep!
What a thoughtful essay. Alone time is SO important.
Hard to square this with 1) the loneliness epidemic, which I can say, as a primary care physician is ABSOLUTELY REAL, and 2) environmentalist calls to radically rethink the way we live, into more community-oriented living arrangements and away from the climate-warming deep isolation of the suburbs.
How can we live in community both for social and environmental reasons, and still make sure everyone has some time to be alone?
Thank you, and SUCH good questions! As a city dweller I can say that it is less isolating and less polluting for me to live in the city where I have a smaller footprint. And also harder to be alone!