As a neurodivergent person myself with several people on the autism spectrum in my family, I'm pretty skeptical that screen time is "good" for neurodivergent kids, or somehow better than it is for neurotypical kids. I'm sure there are some small benefits, but almost all of the research points towards the risks outweighing the benefits. I think screen time is probably very soothing for those of us on the spectrum, easier, and very VERY addicting, but that doesn't mean it's "better" for us than being off of the screen. I love a computer or a phone as a tool, but I quickly start acting like an addict with my iPhone (checking it constantly, looking up every little thing, losing hours of my day on it), so I'm thinking about switching to a dumb phone. (also the ethics of Apple and the Sudan are hard to stomach financially supporting).
I hope someday our kids looks at our cell phone use the way we look at cigarettes. ("EW, What were you guys THINKING?!") but I'm worried we're too owned by the corporations making money off of our screen use at this point.
We're lucky that our kids are at a Waldorf school right now. Phones aren't allowed on campus at all until high school, and then the kids have to check them in the morning and they get it back at the end of the day. It's wild to be on a high school campus where everyone is making eye contact with each other and talking all day. I think if everyone saw how the kids behaved without the screens it might help them change their mind.
I hate that expensive hippie-dippy private schools are the only way to do this. I wish as a society we could all agree that kids don't need phones/screens all the time, especially not at school. Maybe as more and more research comes out showing the harm and the rates of anxiety and depression that are linked, we will get there.
All of this said- I know this is a really sensitive complicated topic, and we are all mostly doing our best. We allow our kids to watch a couple of shows on the weekends. We have friends who don't allow anything at all, and friends who allow a show a day. I'm on my phone in front of my kids more than I would like to be (I'm working on this, but I'm worried I'll need to switch to an old Nokia cold turkey because I think I'm pretty addicted).
This is new technology that has completely changed how we interact with the world, and we're all trying to catch up.
I really appreciate your reflections here and sharing what your experience been. And also I know that I need to model this for my own kids, and it's been hard to find away to be consistent. It's super helpful to keep sharing strategies. I can see the dumb phone in my future, too!
Hollye, thanks so much for sharing your experience here. I teach at university and we do a whole research project on social media. My college students would agree with much of what you say here based upon n their own experience and research. They feel like they were Guinea pigs in a big risky experiment. They wish they could use social media less w out feeling cut off from social lives. They all want it to be regulated. It’s time to start listening to the kids and young adults, not just the “experts.” As I remind them, they know more about this than their parents, teachers, and the academics do.
Yes! It’s so wild to me that most parents seem to have a “Well all of their friends are doing it” attitude towards phones and social media. When has that EVER been a good argument? These poor kids are being failed by the adults in their lives so that the shareholders of Meta can continue making billions.
I love the idea that Allison mentions here of having a community that agrees to keep kids off phones until they are an older age. That way no one feels left out and everyone is more safe and healthy. I feel lucky bc my kid is only 5 and I feel like I have so much more info than parents a decade ago.
One thing we study in my class is the Facebook files and the FB whistleblower testimony before Congress and you’re right—it’s all pretty damning ! Meta’s own data should be reason enough alone to protect our kids. And ourselves! Much of this applies to adults too which we do t want to talk about…
That must be so nice. 😭😭😭😭You can tell which parents don’t live in the reality of school shootings. I thought flip phones were the way to go but I never thought about how long it would take mykid to type out “I love you” in a crisis. I hope I never have to think about it again, but if it happens she will have a real phone and knows to call 911 then me.
My oldest has a phone and a watch; we monitor both with Bark. She isn’t allowed TikTok or IG or FB and will never have a Snap account on my watch. YouTube is also closely monitored.
Thanks for this Mary-Katherine. It's totally a chilling reality check to think about those uses for a phone. We haven't faced this -- thank goodness -- and yet I can feel the terror arise in me just considering it. I also really appreciate all the ways you're monitoring and managing use. We're all in this together and I know there's no one-size-fits all response!
Thanks. I get that it’s hard, but “no phone pledges” make my chest so tight I nearly pass out, both as parent in a time and place I can only call Generation School Shooter and as a advocate for child survivors of sex crimes. The most dangerous words an adult can say are, “your child is special/has talent” and those parents ALWAYS ALWAYS send their kids phone-free into those parent-not-allowed environments “so they can focus”, then when they eventually meet me (no one ever thinks they will!) they talk over their kid as if it’s their own trial, insisting that we have to trust other adults and they didn’t KNOW but isn’t their kid special was that a lie?
The whole phone-free discussion is triggering on multiple levels, because getting (smart, high-achieving) parents (like us) to understand what real dangers are, what could actually happen to their kid, I guess it is too scary for them to process so they just won’t. Even when it’s happening.
Or perhaps we can declare a state of emergency and quarantine all social media for all ages for "just two weeks" (right!) and also have a smartphone buyback program (like they do for guns) as well. I am only half-joking about that.
With all due respect, this latest push by Haidt, Twenge, et al. really kinda misses the mark, and is also dangerously misguided. Renowned sociologist Mike Males really helps set the record straight.
Yes, we all know that social media has a dark side. For all ages, in fact. Just like the offline world does. But most of the dangers of both have been greatly exaggerated, while the real dangers of living as a youth in the 21st century are all too often ignored at the same time. And broad-stroke bans and restrictions would very likely do far more harm than good.
As a neurodivergent person myself with several people on the autism spectrum in my family, I'm pretty skeptical that screen time is "good" for neurodivergent kids, or somehow better than it is for neurotypical kids. I'm sure there are some small benefits, but almost all of the research points towards the risks outweighing the benefits. I think screen time is probably very soothing for those of us on the spectrum, easier, and very VERY addicting, but that doesn't mean it's "better" for us than being off of the screen. I love a computer or a phone as a tool, but I quickly start acting like an addict with my iPhone (checking it constantly, looking up every little thing, losing hours of my day on it), so I'm thinking about switching to a dumb phone. (also the ethics of Apple and the Sudan are hard to stomach financially supporting).
I hope someday our kids looks at our cell phone use the way we look at cigarettes. ("EW, What were you guys THINKING?!") but I'm worried we're too owned by the corporations making money off of our screen use at this point.
We're lucky that our kids are at a Waldorf school right now. Phones aren't allowed on campus at all until high school, and then the kids have to check them in the morning and they get it back at the end of the day. It's wild to be on a high school campus where everyone is making eye contact with each other and talking all day. I think if everyone saw how the kids behaved without the screens it might help them change their mind.
I hate that expensive hippie-dippy private schools are the only way to do this. I wish as a society we could all agree that kids don't need phones/screens all the time, especially not at school. Maybe as more and more research comes out showing the harm and the rates of anxiety and depression that are linked, we will get there.
All of this said- I know this is a really sensitive complicated topic, and we are all mostly doing our best. We allow our kids to watch a couple of shows on the weekends. We have friends who don't allow anything at all, and friends who allow a show a day. I'm on my phone in front of my kids more than I would like to be (I'm working on this, but I'm worried I'll need to switch to an old Nokia cold turkey because I think I'm pretty addicted).
This is new technology that has completely changed how we interact with the world, and we're all trying to catch up.
I really appreciate your reflections here and sharing what your experience been. And also I know that I need to model this for my own kids, and it's been hard to find away to be consistent. It's super helpful to keep sharing strategies. I can see the dumb phone in my future, too!
Hollye, thanks so much for sharing your experience here. I teach at university and we do a whole research project on social media. My college students would agree with much of what you say here based upon n their own experience and research. They feel like they were Guinea pigs in a big risky experiment. They wish they could use social media less w out feeling cut off from social lives. They all want it to be regulated. It’s time to start listening to the kids and young adults, not just the “experts.” As I remind them, they know more about this than their parents, teachers, and the academics do.
Yes! It’s so wild to me that most parents seem to have a “Well all of their friends are doing it” attitude towards phones and social media. When has that EVER been a good argument? These poor kids are being failed by the adults in their lives so that the shareholders of Meta can continue making billions.
I love the idea that Allison mentions here of having a community that agrees to keep kids off phones until they are an older age. That way no one feels left out and everyone is more safe and healthy. I feel lucky bc my kid is only 5 and I feel like I have so much more info than parents a decade ago.
One thing we study in my class is the Facebook files and the FB whistleblower testimony before Congress and you’re right—it’s all pretty damning ! Meta’s own data should be reason enough alone to protect our kids. And ourselves! Much of this applies to adults too which we do t want to talk about…
Good report on such a sensitive topic. Thank you!
That must be so nice. 😭😭😭😭You can tell which parents don’t live in the reality of school shootings. I thought flip phones were the way to go but I never thought about how long it would take mykid to type out “I love you” in a crisis. I hope I never have to think about it again, but if it happens she will have a real phone and knows to call 911 then me.
My oldest has a phone and a watch; we monitor both with Bark. She isn’t allowed TikTok or IG or FB and will never have a Snap account on my watch. YouTube is also closely monitored.
Thanks for this Mary-Katherine. It's totally a chilling reality check to think about those uses for a phone. We haven't faced this -- thank goodness -- and yet I can feel the terror arise in me just considering it. I also really appreciate all the ways you're monitoring and managing use. We're all in this together and I know there's no one-size-fits all response!
Thanks. I get that it’s hard, but “no phone pledges” make my chest so tight I nearly pass out, both as parent in a time and place I can only call Generation School Shooter and as a advocate for child survivors of sex crimes. The most dangerous words an adult can say are, “your child is special/has talent” and those parents ALWAYS ALWAYS send their kids phone-free into those parent-not-allowed environments “so they can focus”, then when they eventually meet me (no one ever thinks they will!) they talk over their kid as if it’s their own trial, insisting that we have to trust other adults and they didn’t KNOW but isn’t their kid special was that a lie?
The whole phone-free discussion is triggering on multiple levels, because getting (smart, high-achieving) parents (like us) to understand what real dangers are, what could actually happen to their kid, I guess it is too scary for them to process so they just won’t. Even when it’s happening.
To be clear, I don’t criticize anyone for not wanting their kid to have a phone. I envy their existence.
Or perhaps we can declare a state of emergency and quarantine all social media for all ages for "just two weeks" (right!) and also have a smartphone buyback program (like they do for guns) as well. I am only half-joking about that.
With all due respect, this latest push by Haidt, Twenge, et al. really kinda misses the mark, and is also dangerously misguided. Renowned sociologist Mike Males really helps set the record straight.
https://mikemales.substack.com/p/the-cdcs-massive-new-survey-shows
https://mikemales.substack.com/p/new-cdc-survey-also-show-the-stampede
Yes, we all know that social media has a dark side. For all ages, in fact. Just like the offline world does. But most of the dangers of both have been greatly exaggerated, while the real dangers of living as a youth in the 21st century are all too often ignored at the same time. And broad-stroke bans and restrictions would very likely do far more harm than good.