This is such great analysis! Love this whole piece and the finger it puts on who is harmed by all the performance of “niceness.”
“Who loses from that relationship and that performance of niceness is anyone who is harmed by the alt-right’s extremism, which trades on white nationalism, Christian supremacy, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and antisemitism, for starters.”
I have tried to articulate this before to my friends from different backgrounds. I call it the Midwest Nice*, which is this ability I see in the white, female, Christian ladies in my family and childhood region to smile and fawn while stepping on necks, upholding status quo, filibustering any progress. They craft such careful cover stories (I'm just a mama bear fighting for her babies! I just want my family to have a holiday without arguing! Your story is so sad but we can talk about that depressing stuff...later!!) it makes you doubt what you are seeing with your own eyes. But then you walk away from their glow and you realize it's all a front to keep you from challenging them.
It's just more of the female anti-feminist hypocrisy I witnessed by the very successful attorney, Phyllis Schlafly, who led the fight against the Equal Rights Amendment back in the '70s! Never could figure out why it wasn't pointed out more often about how SHE was so successful in the corporate world while advocating to keep the rest of us "barefoot and pregnant"!
thank you for this analysis, which seems spot on. I'd add that patriarchy conditions us to police other women--so many of the responses to analysis or critique of BF and others are in the vein of--you're just jealous/etc, because she has (or seems to) the things we're all *supposed* to want, so the only way to understand not endorsing that would be jealousy? the patriarchy is really propped up by women willing to do that kind of policing of each other.
I also just cannot with the "feminist icon" question--because what possible definition of "feminism" could you be using to talk about BF and other tradwives/etc, other than "a woman doing something that benefits her"? and that's just not a feminism I'm interested in. (I haven't listened to the podcast so maybe that's exactly what they get into, but I'm regularly appalled by the way "feminism" gets tossed around by (white) women as a defense for . . . whatever choice they've made.)
I don’t know why this was served to me so long after it was published but I just wanted to say how much I loved this! I am planning on sharing this with my ex-Mormon book club that I know will love this. Niceness is such an effective and under appreciated way in which women protect and uphold the patriarchy. I cringe thinking about a time years ago, before my faith deconstruction, when I stood up to a bunch of experienced therapists who were making legitimate criticizing a grifting life coach on the grounds that everyone should just be “nicer.” 🤦♀️🤦♀️ I’ve come a long way since then. 😂 But damn it is an effective strategy to redirect attention from actual issues and to defend perpetrators of harm.
Thanks so much Ashley, and I'm glad that it resonated! The niceness is SO engrained in women and we get so much conditioning. Sometimes I get anxiety that what i write isn't nice enough...ahhh. Thx so much for sharing, and if you subscribe you should get all our posts :)
I just signed up for your paid subscription! I need way more of this in my life than most of the other shit I pay for (looking at you Amazon Prime). Looking forward to receiving your regular newsletters!
This is really presenting half a story, Lane. You pay for my Substack and therefore I know you could have read the conclusion of the article which is pretty clear. I wrote: "I’d love to live in a world where I can love Hannah’s content unfettered from concerns of the concerted attack on women’s rights in America. But in a time when we still have Martha, Ina and an infinite amount of lifestyle gurus on the internet, I know that giving her my clicks and eyeballs is giving power and purpose to the political strategy she is a part of."
I think acknowledging why people like her content, so that those people might be willing to read it and consider an alternative perspective, isn't anti-feminist and the implication of such by quoting an IG teaser instead of the actual content presented is a cheap shot.
Emily, I'm a fan of your work and am flattered that you would even see this! I do pay for your Substack because I enjoy it and really admire your work.
I very much apologize if this came off as a pointed critique; the point that I was trying to make was that all of us--including **myself, and even including feminist writers that I admire like you, can't help but like pretty and appealing content sometimes. We are only human, you know? The example that I give after yours is mine--and my weakness for clean girl content. It's easy to find it likeable because it is packaged to be likeable. I tried to couch it as "even when you kinda know better, it's easy to like" for all of us. I am very aware of your content and linked to your v good raw milk explainer here too, in case you didn't see it. (And fwiw, I link to examples of your work that I like quite frequently here which is part of the context, which you probably wouldn't know.)
Interestingly, I admire your political influencing *because you are someone who isn't always trying to be "nice", whereas I see some other popular political influencers who try very hard to remain "neutral" and "nice" in ways that get them more followers, but doesn't allow them to be outspoken about what is actually problematic imo. I admire that you do, and think it's much needed, which is why I pay for your Substack. If you would ever be open to an interview or comment about that I would love to get your take on it.
Honestly the "nice" woman icon harms ALL women. Period. They buy into a Faustian bargain where they lose all autonomy, all real sense of self as an individual, all authentic identity and in that bargain they condemn all women to a bigger struggle to just BE. They need calling out everywhere. They are a far more insidious part of the overarching problem where we lose our sovereignty, our democracy...and not just women either. We are ALL harmed.
“Aspirational beauty.” I’m curious about the argument in favor of that (though I’m sure the article is infuriating.) Who really benefits from aspirational beauty besides Revlon?
I love how much attention this is giving to Hannah and her brand. Your pitiful attempt at reducing “nice” to being victimized by the patriarchy is one of the more desperately creative spins I’ve seen so far. However… keep it up! Even negative publicity is publicity for their brand! (Dont mind me while I go order another BF apron!)
This is such great analysis! Love this whole piece and the finger it puts on who is harmed by all the performance of “niceness.”
“Who loses from that relationship and that performance of niceness is anyone who is harmed by the alt-right’s extremism, which trades on white nationalism, Christian supremacy, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and antisemitism, for starters.”
Thank you!
I have tried to articulate this before to my friends from different backgrounds. I call it the Midwest Nice*, which is this ability I see in the white, female, Christian ladies in my family and childhood region to smile and fawn while stepping on necks, upholding status quo, filibustering any progress. They craft such careful cover stories (I'm just a mama bear fighting for her babies! I just want my family to have a holiday without arguing! Your story is so sad but we can talk about that depressing stuff...later!!) it makes you doubt what you are seeing with your own eyes. But then you walk away from their glow and you realize it's all a front to keep you from challenging them.
Yes! My partner and I have referred to this as “church nice.” Same idea!
It's just more of the female anti-feminist hypocrisy I witnessed by the very successful attorney, Phyllis Schlafly, who led the fight against the Equal Rights Amendment back in the '70s! Never could figure out why it wasn't pointed out more often about how SHE was so successful in the corporate world while advocating to keep the rest of us "barefoot and pregnant"!
Yes! Schlafly indeed. She has come up a couple times here in the comments so you’re not the only one!
Ooh, this is so well done and articulates much of the simmering unease I’ve had around Ballerina Farm and other problematic influencers like her.
Thanks so much! Glad it resonated :)
thank you for this analysis, which seems spot on. I'd add that patriarchy conditions us to police other women--so many of the responses to analysis or critique of BF and others are in the vein of--you're just jealous/etc, because she has (or seems to) the things we're all *supposed* to want, so the only way to understand not endorsing that would be jealousy? the patriarchy is really propped up by women willing to do that kind of policing of each other.
I also just cannot with the "feminist icon" question--because what possible definition of "feminism" could you be using to talk about BF and other tradwives/etc, other than "a woman doing something that benefits her"? and that's just not a feminism I'm interested in. (I haven't listened to the podcast so maybe that's exactly what they get into, but I'm regularly appalled by the way "feminism" gets tossed around by (white) women as a defense for . . . whatever choice they've made.)
Absolutely. Niceness is part of the policing!
And yes to all the white feminism vibes of all of this content.
I always think about Charlotte from SATC yelling, "I choose my choice!" 😂
Ha!!
Thank you!! Add this to the one hundred reasons why I say I’m KIND, not nice
Good point! Kind can be and often is fierce and speaks to power :)
Be sweet, stay humble and smile. BARF! White women helping the patriarchy keep us in our place. Phyllis Schlafly 2.0.
I think about Shlafly A LOT lately!
Thank you for these important, eye-opening insights. Well done.
Thank you LaDonna!
You hit the nail on the head 💯💯💯
Thank you! It's been on my mind for a while!
💯
I don’t know why this was served to me so long after it was published but I just wanted to say how much I loved this! I am planning on sharing this with my ex-Mormon book club that I know will love this. Niceness is such an effective and under appreciated way in which women protect and uphold the patriarchy. I cringe thinking about a time years ago, before my faith deconstruction, when I stood up to a bunch of experienced therapists who were making legitimate criticizing a grifting life coach on the grounds that everyone should just be “nicer.” 🤦♀️🤦♀️ I’ve come a long way since then. 😂 But damn it is an effective strategy to redirect attention from actual issues and to defend perpetrators of harm.
Thanks so much Ashley, and I'm glad that it resonated! The niceness is SO engrained in women and we get so much conditioning. Sometimes I get anxiety that what i write isn't nice enough...ahhh. Thx so much for sharing, and if you subscribe you should get all our posts :)
I just signed up for your paid subscription! I need way more of this in my life than most of the other shit I pay for (looking at you Amazon Prime). Looking forward to receiving your regular newsletters!
Oh hooray! Thank you and welcome! A message *just went out to paid subscribers about what to read together this year, lmk if you didn't get it.
This is really presenting half a story, Lane. You pay for my Substack and therefore I know you could have read the conclusion of the article which is pretty clear. I wrote: "I’d love to live in a world where I can love Hannah’s content unfettered from concerns of the concerted attack on women’s rights in America. But in a time when we still have Martha, Ina and an infinite amount of lifestyle gurus on the internet, I know that giving her my clicks and eyeballs is giving power and purpose to the political strategy she is a part of."
And this substack is one drop in a history of *years* of coverage of influencers like Hannah. I wrote a DETAILED political analysis of raw milk just last week. https://emilyinyourphone.substack.com/p/how-did-raw-milk-become-so-political
I think acknowledging why people like her content, so that those people might be willing to read it and consider an alternative perspective, isn't anti-feminist and the implication of such by quoting an IG teaser instead of the actual content presented is a cheap shot.
Thank you for reaching out, Emily! The piece has been updated to reflect this needed context.
Emily, I'm a fan of your work and am flattered that you would even see this! I do pay for your Substack because I enjoy it and really admire your work.
I very much apologize if this came off as a pointed critique; the point that I was trying to make was that all of us--including **myself, and even including feminist writers that I admire like you, can't help but like pretty and appealing content sometimes. We are only human, you know? The example that I give after yours is mine--and my weakness for clean girl content. It's easy to find it likeable because it is packaged to be likeable. I tried to couch it as "even when you kinda know better, it's easy to like" for all of us. I am very aware of your content and linked to your v good raw milk explainer here too, in case you didn't see it. (And fwiw, I link to examples of your work that I like quite frequently here which is part of the context, which you probably wouldn't know.)
Interestingly, I admire your political influencing *because you are someone who isn't always trying to be "nice", whereas I see some other popular political influencers who try very hard to remain "neutral" and "nice" in ways that get them more followers, but doesn't allow them to be outspoken about what is actually problematic imo. I admire that you do, and think it's much needed, which is why I pay for your Substack. If you would ever be open to an interview or comment about that I would love to get your take on it.
Honestly the "nice" woman icon harms ALL women. Period. They buy into a Faustian bargain where they lose all autonomy, all real sense of self as an individual, all authentic identity and in that bargain they condemn all women to a bigger struggle to just BE. They need calling out everywhere. They are a far more insidious part of the overarching problem where we lose our sovereignty, our democracy...and not just women either. We are ALL harmed.
“Aspirational beauty.” I’m curious about the argument in favor of that (though I’m sure the article is infuriating.) Who really benefits from aspirational beauty besides Revlon?
Yeppp! Definitely makes you wonder 🙃
I love how much attention this is giving to Hannah and her brand. Your pitiful attempt at reducing “nice” to being victimized by the patriarchy is one of the more desperately creative spins I’ve seen so far. However… keep it up! Even negative publicity is publicity for their brand! (Dont mind me while I go order another BF apron!)
Likewise your comments move us up in the algorithm—win win? :) Thx for being curious enough to read even if not your thing.