Ahhh this is so good. It explains SO MUCH! Finally I know why so many older people seem to think daycare is terrible. And why we have moved away from a shared caregiving model which just seems bananas if you have ever actually raised children. Brava Nancy!
Wait a sec: I'm an older person and I don't ever recall conversations among my fellow parents that daycare is terrible. The *cost* is terrible, the bringing bugs home and everybody getting sick over and over is terrible, but not that the care provided is bad. Reputable, credible child care is actually kind of a community model isn't it?
Yes! High-quality state-subsidized daycare is available in nearly all our peer countries, with great success (we have written about this here many times :) . Daycare here is also great but v expense bc of attitudes like those that Nancy unpacks here.
Several people from my parents' generation seem to think that daycare is a bad idea and have expressed that to me in various ways (while my child was in daycare lol), but that might be a regional/cultural notion for than a generational one, now that I think about it!
Thank you so much for this note! Nancy's book is really speaking about a post-World War Two moment in popular discourse and a general pressure for women to be stay-at-home moms. Reputable, credible (and in some case state-supported) childcare is an incredibly valuable and much-needed resource for all of us. Another person who talks about this is Jess Calarco, in her book, "Holding it Together" which describes how state-supported childcare was seen as "suspicious" in the U.S. during the Cold War.
Thank you Allison! Your piece is a breath of fresh air!!
As a Social Worker, trained in the 1960s, attachment theory was heralded as truth . It certainly created guilt in me for working and as " never being a good enough mother."
In your piece, It was especially important to me to learn about Bowlby's own childhood and how that had to affect his research. In those days of hierarchy and patriarchy, people thought scientists were "objective," and researchers didn't publicly acknowledge their own issues or biases. I think we are more aware now that you can't separate the person from their actions. The baboon research also fascinated me. I am so grateful to your generation for challenging stereotypes and doing research anew.
I wonder what research will show about the impacts on neurodivergent kids especially in regard to mother-only or community, and no stress or some stress.
Something I always fall back on from my parent consultant: your job is not to make your kids happy, it’s to meet their needs. Sounds like this book helps to elucidate the needs.
Huh. I don’t love that. I have a relationship with my kids - so why wouldn’t I want to make them happy? That’s part of our relationship. We have fun together. We enjoy each other’s company. Happiness is ABSOLUTELY part of parenthood. Some of my best memories of childhood are when my dad would randomly show up with a new, fun toy; when my mom told us long, invented stories about imaginary families; when we all went to the zoo together; etc.
Happiness, like motivation, comes from within. I do things with/for my kids that result in happiness. But it results in happiness because it’s meeting their needs - for connection, safety, co-regulation. E.g. if my kiddo is scared about going to the dentist, I don’t feel pressure to “make them happy” by cancelling the appointment. I figure out the need that isn’t being met that has resulted in fear, and I meet that need. Do they need to talk about it? Do they need to know that I won’t force them to do the dental tasks? Do they need specific help during the appointment? A lot of times, they need to be reassured that I am safe person, working on connection with them and able to co-regulate their big feelings. Hope this helps to clarify!
I think Attachment Parenting and all that came with it — staying home for a few years, full-term breastfeeding, peaceful parenting, co-sleeping etc — worked very well for my kids. My daughter told me while she was in high school that she wanted to raise her children just as I raised her and her brother. And that’s what she’s doing.
I think parents and researchers would agree that social supports that allow parents more time with their babies (like paid family leave), would benefit everyone. Most of our peer countries have these things (*and childcare for those that want/need it). The US is an outlier, and not in a good way...
Ahhh this is so good. It explains SO MUCH! Finally I know why so many older people seem to think daycare is terrible. And why we have moved away from a shared caregiving model which just seems bananas if you have ever actually raised children. Brava Nancy!
Wait a sec: I'm an older person and I don't ever recall conversations among my fellow parents that daycare is terrible. The *cost* is terrible, the bringing bugs home and everybody getting sick over and over is terrible, but not that the care provided is bad. Reputable, credible child care is actually kind of a community model isn't it?
Yes! High-quality state-subsidized daycare is available in nearly all our peer countries, with great success (we have written about this here many times :) . Daycare here is also great but v expense bc of attitudes like those that Nancy unpacks here.
Several people from my parents' generation seem to think that daycare is a bad idea and have expressed that to me in various ways (while my child was in daycare lol), but that might be a regional/cultural notion for than a generational one, now that I think about it!
Thank you so much for this note! Nancy's book is really speaking about a post-World War Two moment in popular discourse and a general pressure for women to be stay-at-home moms. Reputable, credible (and in some case state-supported) childcare is an incredibly valuable and much-needed resource for all of us. Another person who talks about this is Jess Calarco, in her book, "Holding it Together" which describes how state-supported childcare was seen as "suspicious" in the U.S. during the Cold War.
Thank you Allison! Your piece is a breath of fresh air!!
As a Social Worker, trained in the 1960s, attachment theory was heralded as truth . It certainly created guilt in me for working and as " never being a good enough mother."
In your piece, It was especially important to me to learn about Bowlby's own childhood and how that had to affect his research. In those days of hierarchy and patriarchy, people thought scientists were "objective," and researchers didn't publicly acknowledge their own issues or biases. I think we are more aware now that you can't separate the person from their actions. The baboon research also fascinated me. I am so grateful to your generation for challenging stereotypes and doing research anew.
Thank you!
Thanks so much for this note!
I wonder what research will show about the impacts on neurodivergent kids especially in regard to mother-only or community, and no stress or some stress.
Something I always fall back on from my parent consultant: your job is not to make your kids happy, it’s to meet their needs. Sounds like this book helps to elucidate the needs.
Huh. I don’t love that. I have a relationship with my kids - so why wouldn’t I want to make them happy? That’s part of our relationship. We have fun together. We enjoy each other’s company. Happiness is ABSOLUTELY part of parenthood. Some of my best memories of childhood are when my dad would randomly show up with a new, fun toy; when my mom told us long, invented stories about imaginary families; when we all went to the zoo together; etc.
Happiness, like motivation, comes from within. I do things with/for my kids that result in happiness. But it results in happiness because it’s meeting their needs - for connection, safety, co-regulation. E.g. if my kiddo is scared about going to the dentist, I don’t feel pressure to “make them happy” by cancelling the appointment. I figure out the need that isn’t being met that has resulted in fear, and I meet that need. Do they need to talk about it? Do they need to know that I won’t force them to do the dental tasks? Do they need specific help during the appointment? A lot of times, they need to be reassured that I am safe person, working on connection with them and able to co-regulate their big feelings. Hope this helps to clarify!
I think Attachment Parenting and all that came with it — staying home for a few years, full-term breastfeeding, peaceful parenting, co-sleeping etc — worked very well for my kids. My daughter told me while she was in high school that she wanted to raise her children just as I raised her and her brother. And that’s what she’s doing.
I think parents and researchers would agree that social supports that allow parents more time with their babies (like paid family leave), would benefit everyone. Most of our peer countries have these things (*and childcare for those that want/need it). The US is an outlier, and not in a good way...