Love this: "That is to say—parenting, along with so many other things in the U.S., has become a class issue. Including the question of who can even afford to be a parent at all—and if children themselves have become a luxury item."
The term “fertility crisis” is bonkers, isn’t it? The problem has nothing to do with fertility. It has everything to do with personal choice and personal finances, and if you have kids, you know this. At least one of my daughters wants to be a PhD, and I accepted years ago that I’m probably never going to have grandchildren.
On the other hand, I think it’s important to recognize that the people who bleat about a “fertility crisis” only care about one type of woman having children: white women. So maybe they’ve baked their classism and racism into the term they use.
Oh you're 100% correct about this--we actually have a couple posts about how 'fertility panic" is *always historically related to race anxieties/white supremacy.
The GOP would like to pretend that women don’t exist as humans. Period. Walking incubators and sex toys. No rights, no desires. The “innies” of Severance. And honestly the Dems aren’t much better. I don’t think this is an issue that can be fixed with our current government iteration—certainly not under our current administration. But for the U.S., I would enjoy seeing a vision of what it could look like.
At the time we had kids, we were a dual income household in tech. We lived in a HCOL (high cost of living) area and did some serious number crunching before we moved forward.
Add in here: fertility testing and possible assistance (potentially thousands of $)
No family support of any kind (geography, age, etc).
Right before our kiddo arrived, I lost my job and my partner was laid off. So, limited unemployment options…at one point I was looking to go back to work a week after giving birth because we needed income.
When we were finally able to afford childcare, it was over $2k per month, equivalent to our mortgage payment.
We have since spent two years in Denmark and watched how, while not perfect, their society at least supports parents with free nursery, extended maternity/paternity, and healthcare. (Had we stayed, our child’s orthodontia would have been paid for through taxes.)
What exactly ARE we getting for our taxes, at this point?
We had aged out of nursery by the time we went but here’s the gist:
-Parents get 52 weeks of paternity leave with benefits which is to be shared between the parents (mother has the right to the first 14 weeks).
- nursery is free or sliding scale up to age 3 (All institutions are subsidized, so you won’t have to pay the full price. For instance, user payment In Copenhagen is below 4000 DKK a month for nurseries. At the time we were there it was about 1 USD to 7 DKK, so just over $600 a month.) Most children start around age 1. The Danish nurseries, on the other hand, are run by the local municipality with trained pedagogues in charge. There are both autonomous nurseries taking care of children up to the age of 3, and integrated institutions housing both a nursery and kindergarten. In a Danish nursery, there’s a staff member for every 3 children. Children typically leave their daycare or nursery around their 3rd birthday to join a kindergarten.
We ended up at an international school, but once kids enter kindergarten, it is largely play-based daycare. They do not learn subjects (reading, writing, etc) really until first grade (where they start also teaching English). Forest school is a very common thing (kids go play in the woods or are outdoors all day). I remember in one of my expat groups, a parent commented that “today they brought in a dead deer and autopsied it in my daughter’s kindergarten”—so a very pragmatic approach to life and education. In second grade it was not unusual in any way to see kids riding the Metro or riding bikes to school unaccompanied. The kids in Danish public school will stay together in the same group until at least age 16 (barring moving away or similar circumstance). If they don’t opt for trades, they will stay together till full on graduation. This is one of the things that simultaneously knits together Danish society but also makes it extremely challenging for anyone moving to Denmark and trying to acclimate. Friends groups are already made, there is little to no work “hangout” culture (Julefrokost is a whole…other thing). It’s often recommended to join a “sports club” ( like a casual team) to start integrating in Denmark.
Sex ed starts young, I think 4th or 5th grade in public school. Teen pregnancy seemed practically unheard of. When we saw families, the responsibilities seemed pretty equitable, and it was common to see dads out with their children by themselves. (Unisex bathrooms were also very common.)
University/college/trades: at 16, you can choose a “trade” or finish 2 more years or secondary and then continue on to university. There are no tuition fees for attending public higher education in Denmark, as all costs are covered by the Danish state. Citizens of EU and EEA countries have equal rights and do not pay tuition fee to study at public institutions of higher education in Denmark. Most people who attend university graduate with at least a Masters.
Healthcare is subsidized, but it is not American style healthcare (I think that’s what a lot of people might visualize?). There was not a lot of preventative care. Things like bloodwork or x-rays were not common unless you had serious symptoms—the approach is that “if you’re sick, it will manifest in other ways”. This was a big challenge if you were injured with, say, a dislocation.
Everyone is assigned a doctor (yes, assigned): if you want to switch doctors, you have to pay a small fee. They didn’t really have pediatricians—those were generally only for more involved kid health issues, so we never saw one.
One cool thing was if you had a referral to a specialist and the public specialists couldn’t see you within 6 weeks, you were automatically referred to a private specialist. Whatever doctor you saw was always in a reasonable distance since car ownership was overall low. If you have an emergency health issues, you called the emergency number and they would tell you which hospital/ER to go to.
Like the U.S., dental for adults was a pay your own, but it was much more affordable. Again, it was not like American dental care. The clinics are very no frills (the one we went to, the dentist shared reception duties with the hygienist). Cleanings did not feel quite as thorough, they didn’t give you any sort of protective eyewear to shield your eyes from the lights. But it was probably $150 for a cleaning, $75 for a filling.
Kids all went to the “dental school”—whether this was a school dentists trained at, or named because it was on the fourth floor of an actual primary school is unclear. But dental care for children is free up to at least 18, and we had a consult for orthodontia that was also free. We had tried out a private practice dentist, but she told us there was no reason to use her clinic over the free one.
There’s a great deal of kid freedom in Denmark, especially around alcohol. Legal drinking age for beer and wine starts at 16 (to be served in a restaurant, you are supposed to be 18). Hard alcohol age is 18. Hearsay at the international school relayed a lot of 13-15 year olds in ERs overnight weekends getting their stomachs pumped for alcohol poisoning. It is not uncommon for parents to host parties with alcohol, feeling that it’s better the kids drink under supervision. This is carried through to the equivalent of high school graduation, where the kids (in public school, somewhere around 22-25 kids who have been together in the same class since first grade) get on the equivalent of a parade float type car and drive from student home to student home where they drink at each house. It was fun to see the enthusiasm from neighbors, but wasn’t something we were comfortable with conceptually. Smoking is another entirely different issue—vaping wasn’t common, but “snuf” (nicotine pouches) and cigarettes were much more common for all age groups. Personal favorite example was someone riding their bicycle, smoking with one hand while looking at their mobile phone in the other (distracted biking was just as big a problem as distracted driving here). Cigarette butts were everywhere. Broken glass from beer bottles was also everywhere (bike lanes, sidewalks, roads.)
My own personal takeaway was Denmark is largely happy because their culture has not been tied to constant economic growth, they have high trust in their government and the services they have. Living spaces are small, public transit is good, unions are strong (even for renters, which is another whole thing), you aren’t going bankrupt paying for healthcare. You have ample holidays and vacation time. But buying culture is definitely winding its way in, crap online shops like Shein and Temu are making inroads. The postal service was privatized and pretty awful. Younger people can’t afford homes and are living with parents longer. But overall, it’s a country of barely 6M people united by strong traditions, care of new parents, solid public schools, free university education, and solid healthcare.
The pastries were definitely real. I will say, DK had one of the most restrictive immigration policies in the EU. The weather sucks for 90% of the year. Taxes are high (but you do get benefit from them). And xenophobia is real. If you’re not a native born Dane, you will encounter it.
Amazing, love this great post! Clinton and Harris both had policies in place for child care and elder care but hating women is too easy and fun for enough Americans to not get it. Ugh. Thoughts on why Americans. And American white women vote against childcare advocating candidates?
Thank you Kara! And if I only knew!! It is truly one of the most frustrating aspects of American politics. I truly wonder if it's related to hardcore American beliefs in "individualism" and the idea that we should all be doing everything on our own with no help. Could be fodder for another piece!
Oh yes, of course! This reminds me—I saw Ann Critteden (sp?) speak and she kind of offhand noted that in her travels with her book, she kept finding that American women don’t feel entitled to childcare. Like we haven’t been taught that it’s something we can ask for and get gov help with. This was abt 15 years ago and doubtful much has changed.
I have been there--and others in this thread, too. You'd think "freedom" and "the pursuit of happiness" would include being able to pursue the family that you want (whether it's more kids or no kids). We deserve better.
And now Republicans are using women’s frustration and exhaustion to try to convince them life was better before women worked. The Tradwife movement is powerful because of all the things you write about. After WW II many women were convinced to go back into their homes and give up work and the childcare the government briefly provided. It was considered a reward not to work and to instead give jobs to deserving men (sounds just like the tradwife movement today). Obviously that didn’t last too long. We are doomed to keep repeating history until we actually make the fundamental changes we need to actually support families (and everyone). I don’t know why we are so resistant to those changes? The way things are now only works for the very wealthiest among us.
Definitely! And I actually think it would be great if parents/women *could choose to stay home if they wanted--but we don't have good supports to make that viable for many/free of financial dependence. "I don’t know why we are so resistant to those changes? The way things are now only works for the very wealthiest among us." I think about this allll the time.
I read a piece in the Economist last year on the fertility “crisis”. I made note of how many times the word “mother” or “women” appeared (about 100 times) vs “men” or “fathers” (about 3 times). So there is no accountability or responsibility for men in the equation nor the shocking cost of childcare. 🙄
This really just kinda blew my mind. So very well laid out, and bonus, so many cracks at David Brooks! This is getting saved for a re-read and I damn well may print it out and start handing copies to people on the street. Americans, we do NOT have to live this way! This is a travesty!
We did not expand our family due to childcare costs- both financial and emotional. It was rough balancing full time work as a teacher with a young family, always rushing to get everyone everywhere on time.
I was all set to have two until I realized that I wouldn’t be able to devote my time, attention, and funds to ensure both of them were treated equally. So I had one, and my one is thriving. I don’t think it’s selfish to invest limited resources into ensuring one child has the best possible life. I think it’s selfish to have more children than your resources can responsibly support, and since resources are really scarce these days, you have your answer. My child has watched us struggle financially through job losses and other financial issues that are no fault of ours (car accidents, deaths in family, etc) and doesn’t want to have kids, and honestly, I support that.
Absolutely. Almost like parents and would-be parents are making deeply informed decisions that are the best choices they have in their circumstances, and everyone should recognize and respect that 🤷♀️
Currently pregnant with my first at soon to be 34. I feel like we waited so long to have a kid in order to be in a better financial position and now we’re being hit by tariffs, an unstable economy/market, and an incredibly un-family friendly administration (contrary to what they’re saying..). It’s bleak out here!
Abso-frickin-lutely! I have enough monetary privilege to support three kids and I know what it’s cost me personally as their mother. I am absolutely in support of a universal system that supports all of us up and down the financial spectrum. We have got to make caring for children a society wide concern and not just a women’s issue. Why is it the norm that dads work 60 hours a week for benefits and mothers work 0? That’s not good for moms or dads!
Amen, Erin!! I agree on all fronts. If we had childcare subsidies *and child support payments, parents (mostly women) would have more choices about going to work outside the home or stay at home. Everyone would win!
Love this: "That is to say—parenting, along with so many other things in the U.S., has become a class issue. Including the question of who can even afford to be a parent at all—and if children themselves have become a luxury item."
Thank you! Ofc ideally people should have as many kids as they want or none at all. We don’t have either option 🙃
The term “fertility crisis” is bonkers, isn’t it? The problem has nothing to do with fertility. It has everything to do with personal choice and personal finances, and if you have kids, you know this. At least one of my daughters wants to be a PhD, and I accepted years ago that I’m probably never going to have grandchildren.
On the other hand, I think it’s important to recognize that the people who bleat about a “fertility crisis” only care about one type of woman having children: white women. So maybe they’ve baked their classism and racism into the term they use.
Oh you're 100% correct about this--we actually have a couple posts about how 'fertility panic" is *always historically related to race anxieties/white supremacy.
Here's one of our stories about that!: https://matriarchyreport.substack.com/p/the-birth-rate-is-falling-is-anyone?utm_source=publication-search
The GOP would like to pretend that women don’t exist as humans. Period. Walking incubators and sex toys. No rights, no desires. The “innies” of Severance. And honestly the Dems aren’t much better. I don’t think this is an issue that can be fixed with our current government iteration—certainly not under our current administration. But for the U.S., I would enjoy seeing a vision of what it could look like.
I wish I could disagree! I'm just constantly thinking about how to re-frame these narratives to benefit literally everyone--especially kids!
At the time we had kids, we were a dual income household in tech. We lived in a HCOL (high cost of living) area and did some serious number crunching before we moved forward.
Add in here: fertility testing and possible assistance (potentially thousands of $)
No family support of any kind (geography, age, etc).
Right before our kiddo arrived, I lost my job and my partner was laid off. So, limited unemployment options…at one point I was looking to go back to work a week after giving birth because we needed income.
When we were finally able to afford childcare, it was over $2k per month, equivalent to our mortgage payment.
We have since spent two years in Denmark and watched how, while not perfect, their society at least supports parents with free nursery, extended maternity/paternity, and healthcare. (Had we stayed, our child’s orthodontia would have been paid for through taxes.)
What exactly ARE we getting for our taxes, at this point?
Wow! Tell us all about the Denmark dream! We are SO far from free orthodontia it’s actually beyond comprehension…
Almost like all children are entitled to being well cared for throughout their lives 😢
We had aged out of nursery by the time we went but here’s the gist:
-Parents get 52 weeks of paternity leave with benefits which is to be shared between the parents (mother has the right to the first 14 weeks).
- nursery is free or sliding scale up to age 3 (All institutions are subsidized, so you won’t have to pay the full price. For instance, user payment In Copenhagen is below 4000 DKK a month for nurseries. At the time we were there it was about 1 USD to 7 DKK, so just over $600 a month.) Most children start around age 1. The Danish nurseries, on the other hand, are run by the local municipality with trained pedagogues in charge. There are both autonomous nurseries taking care of children up to the age of 3, and integrated institutions housing both a nursery and kindergarten. In a Danish nursery, there’s a staff member for every 3 children. Children typically leave their daycare or nursery around their 3rd birthday to join a kindergarten.
We ended up at an international school, but once kids enter kindergarten, it is largely play-based daycare. They do not learn subjects (reading, writing, etc) really until first grade (where they start also teaching English). Forest school is a very common thing (kids go play in the woods or are outdoors all day). I remember in one of my expat groups, a parent commented that “today they brought in a dead deer and autopsied it in my daughter’s kindergarten”—so a very pragmatic approach to life and education. In second grade it was not unusual in any way to see kids riding the Metro or riding bikes to school unaccompanied. The kids in Danish public school will stay together in the same group until at least age 16 (barring moving away or similar circumstance). If they don’t opt for trades, they will stay together till full on graduation. This is one of the things that simultaneously knits together Danish society but also makes it extremely challenging for anyone moving to Denmark and trying to acclimate. Friends groups are already made, there is little to no work “hangout” culture (Julefrokost is a whole…other thing). It’s often recommended to join a “sports club” ( like a casual team) to start integrating in Denmark.
Sex ed starts young, I think 4th or 5th grade in public school. Teen pregnancy seemed practically unheard of. When we saw families, the responsibilities seemed pretty equitable, and it was common to see dads out with their children by themselves. (Unisex bathrooms were also very common.)
University/college/trades: at 16, you can choose a “trade” or finish 2 more years or secondary and then continue on to university. There are no tuition fees for attending public higher education in Denmark, as all costs are covered by the Danish state. Citizens of EU and EEA countries have equal rights and do not pay tuition fee to study at public institutions of higher education in Denmark. Most people who attend university graduate with at least a Masters.
Healthcare is subsidized, but it is not American style healthcare (I think that’s what a lot of people might visualize?). There was not a lot of preventative care. Things like bloodwork or x-rays were not common unless you had serious symptoms—the approach is that “if you’re sick, it will manifest in other ways”. This was a big challenge if you were injured with, say, a dislocation.
Everyone is assigned a doctor (yes, assigned): if you want to switch doctors, you have to pay a small fee. They didn’t really have pediatricians—those were generally only for more involved kid health issues, so we never saw one.
One cool thing was if you had a referral to a specialist and the public specialists couldn’t see you within 6 weeks, you were automatically referred to a private specialist. Whatever doctor you saw was always in a reasonable distance since car ownership was overall low. If you have an emergency health issues, you called the emergency number and they would tell you which hospital/ER to go to.
Like the U.S., dental for adults was a pay your own, but it was much more affordable. Again, it was not like American dental care. The clinics are very no frills (the one we went to, the dentist shared reception duties with the hygienist). Cleanings did not feel quite as thorough, they didn’t give you any sort of protective eyewear to shield your eyes from the lights. But it was probably $150 for a cleaning, $75 for a filling.
Kids all went to the “dental school”—whether this was a school dentists trained at, or named because it was on the fourth floor of an actual primary school is unclear. But dental care for children is free up to at least 18, and we had a consult for orthodontia that was also free. We had tried out a private practice dentist, but she told us there was no reason to use her clinic over the free one.
There’s a great deal of kid freedom in Denmark, especially around alcohol. Legal drinking age for beer and wine starts at 16 (to be served in a restaurant, you are supposed to be 18). Hard alcohol age is 18. Hearsay at the international school relayed a lot of 13-15 year olds in ERs overnight weekends getting their stomachs pumped for alcohol poisoning. It is not uncommon for parents to host parties with alcohol, feeling that it’s better the kids drink under supervision. This is carried through to the equivalent of high school graduation, where the kids (in public school, somewhere around 22-25 kids who have been together in the same class since first grade) get on the equivalent of a parade float type car and drive from student home to student home where they drink at each house. It was fun to see the enthusiasm from neighbors, but wasn’t something we were comfortable with conceptually. Smoking is another entirely different issue—vaping wasn’t common, but “snuf” (nicotine pouches) and cigarettes were much more common for all age groups. Personal favorite example was someone riding their bicycle, smoking with one hand while looking at their mobile phone in the other (distracted biking was just as big a problem as distracted driving here). Cigarette butts were everywhere. Broken glass from beer bottles was also everywhere (bike lanes, sidewalks, roads.)
My own personal takeaway was Denmark is largely happy because their culture has not been tied to constant economic growth, they have high trust in their government and the services they have. Living spaces are small, public transit is good, unions are strong (even for renters, which is another whole thing), you aren’t going bankrupt paying for healthcare. You have ample holidays and vacation time. But buying culture is definitely winding its way in, crap online shops like Shein and Temu are making inroads. The postal service was privatized and pretty awful. Younger people can’t afford homes and are living with parents longer. But overall, it’s a country of barely 6M people united by strong traditions, care of new parents, solid public schools, free university education, and solid healthcare.
Is this place even real? And it has great pastries?? Sounds like literal heaven :) Maybe I need a research trip to Denmark for real!
The pastries were definitely real. I will say, DK had one of the most restrictive immigration policies in the EU. The weather sucks for 90% of the year. Taxes are high (but you do get benefit from them). And xenophobia is real. If you’re not a native born Dane, you will encounter it.
But there’s still rhubarb pastry :)
Amazing, love this great post! Clinton and Harris both had policies in place for child care and elder care but hating women is too easy and fun for enough Americans to not get it. Ugh. Thoughts on why Americans. And American white women vote against childcare advocating candidates?
Thank you Kara! And if I only knew!! It is truly one of the most frustrating aspects of American politics. I truly wonder if it's related to hardcore American beliefs in "individualism" and the idea that we should all be doing everything on our own with no help. Could be fodder for another piece!
Oh yes, of course! This reminds me—I saw Ann Critteden (sp?) speak and she kind of offhand noted that in her travels with her book, she kept finding that American women don’t feel entitled to childcare. Like we haven’t been taught that it’s something we can ask for and get gov help with. This was abt 15 years ago and doubtful much has changed.
Wow, thanks for sharing. “Don’t feel entitled to children” this is haunting and so accurate
Currently trying to decide on a second child and finances are at the very top of the "con" list, which breaks my heart a little
I have been there--and others in this thread, too. You'd think "freedom" and "the pursuit of happiness" would include being able to pursue the family that you want (whether it's more kids or no kids). We deserve better.
And now Republicans are using women’s frustration and exhaustion to try to convince them life was better before women worked. The Tradwife movement is powerful because of all the things you write about. After WW II many women were convinced to go back into their homes and give up work and the childcare the government briefly provided. It was considered a reward not to work and to instead give jobs to deserving men (sounds just like the tradwife movement today). Obviously that didn’t last too long. We are doomed to keep repeating history until we actually make the fundamental changes we need to actually support families (and everyone). I don’t know why we are so resistant to those changes? The way things are now only works for the very wealthiest among us.
Definitely! And I actually think it would be great if parents/women *could choose to stay home if they wanted--but we don't have good supports to make that viable for many/free of financial dependence. "I don’t know why we are so resistant to those changes? The way things are now only works for the very wealthiest among us." I think about this allll the time.
I read a piece in the Economist last year on the fertility “crisis”. I made note of how many times the word “mother” or “women” appeared (about 100 times) vs “men” or “fathers” (about 3 times). So there is no accountability or responsibility for men in the equation nor the shocking cost of childcare. 🙄
Wow, great point! Says a lot.
I was reading this and said, wait! Warren wrote about this 20 years ago! and then clicked your link and scrolled down and voila: it was her of course.
Warren knows!!
This really just kinda blew my mind. So very well laid out, and bonus, so many cracks at David Brooks! This is getting saved for a re-read and I damn well may print it out and start handing copies to people on the street. Americans, we do NOT have to live this way! This is a travesty!
We do not have to live this way!! 🙌 Thanks so much, and thx for reading :)
We did not expand our family due to childcare costs- both financial and emotional. It was rough balancing full time work as a teacher with a young family, always rushing to get everyone everywhere on time.
I was all set to have two until I realized that I wouldn’t be able to devote my time, attention, and funds to ensure both of them were treated equally. So I had one, and my one is thriving. I don’t think it’s selfish to invest limited resources into ensuring one child has the best possible life. I think it’s selfish to have more children than your resources can responsibly support, and since resources are really scarce these days, you have your answer. My child has watched us struggle financially through job losses and other financial issues that are no fault of ours (car accidents, deaths in family, etc) and doesn’t want to have kids, and honestly, I support that.
Absolutely. Almost like parents and would-be parents are making deeply informed decisions that are the best choices they have in their circumstances, and everyone should recognize and respect that 🤷♀️
And ofc, we should be given better options!
Currently pregnant with my first at soon to be 34. I feel like we waited so long to have a kid in order to be in a better financial position and now we’re being hit by tariffs, an unstable economy/market, and an incredibly un-family friendly administration (contrary to what they’re saying..). It’s bleak out here!
Also I’m so afraid to look at my 529. It will probably make me cry.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought 😩. But I’m SO mad that we have to deal with this. All the sacrifices stored up in those 529’s! I hate it.
Thank you for this brilliant essay. You’re pulling all the threads together!
TY Carley means a lot coming from you !
Abso-frickin-lutely! I have enough monetary privilege to support three kids and I know what it’s cost me personally as their mother. I am absolutely in support of a universal system that supports all of us up and down the financial spectrum. We have got to make caring for children a society wide concern and not just a women’s issue. Why is it the norm that dads work 60 hours a week for benefits and mothers work 0? That’s not good for moms or dads!
Amen, Erin!! I agree on all fronts. If we had childcare subsidies *and child support payments, parents (mostly women) would have more choices about going to work outside the home or stay at home. Everyone would win!
YESSSSS
TY Sara :)