I've been quiet quitting a lot of these gendered things lately and actually -- there are other possibilities that arise when I stop running around creating wonder (for others). This magic making is such an embedded requirement for women and especially moms, as you mention, and I've really been experimenting with whether the world DOES really end without it? If so whose? It turns out that it's not actually the children's world - which is premised to rely so much on this emotional labor, -- though their worlds do need active attention. It's men who suffer most. Though they may say they are fine with lifesavers and a delivery from the sporting goods store, the whole reason we do so much more is that they want it too, but they mostly want to feel entitled to it. That's the very thing that finally broke me; when I realized that kids don't want you to be resentful and tired and under appreciated. That's way worse for them then there being no elves.
We have 13 whole days left of school…my husband is very low stress during the holiday season. He does take care of all the presents for his side of the family and always has but his mom is a very thoughtful gift giver and I try to step up my game for my MIL.
His brothers and dad don’t need me to pick out anything though at various times we have gift giving with a secret Santa type thing with the extended family. This year we are doing white elephant for adults and secret Santa for the kids- there are now 11 cousins 8 and under on his side.
It’s always stressful but I like having things to look forward to! I’m also going to Eras Tour this weekend and have some mom guilt about leaving my kids and losing a weekend of the holiday season but I’m sure we will still have plenty of time together.
This all sounds very familiar, but I have to say that going to the Eras tour ALONE might be the best holiday plan I've heard! Please enjoy it for the rest of us!
I want you to live your best life this weekend sissy! I will be at the Christmas parade being cold I am sure and then Hannah has a birthday party in the afternoon which means I will have to be in my socializing parent mode and will not be relaxed at all.
Thankfully we don’t have to buy that many presents since we don’t really do presents for his side anymore (we’ve been giving a family donation to the local food bank instead for years for them, so my daughter and baby David are the only ones who will get anything on his side).
It is my task to buy presents for our daughter and my side of the family, but I am planning to do a pickup order for Barnes and Noble, a trip to Target and to do an Amazon order if needed. I always get my wrapping done while I watch a Netflix Christmas movie the weekend before Christmas. I do have Secret Santa coming up in soon for work, but I can usually get the small stuff for that at Dollar General or the grocery store. I am hoping it won’t feel too stressful, and hopefully I will get some nice gift cards from the parents of the babies in my class so I can live my best life with some treats! Last year I was able to use ChickFila gift cards into March since I usually just get fries and lemonade.
The phrase that has helped me is "traditions are peer pressure from dead people" - I can't remember where I saw it but it rang so true that not every year will look exactly the same and that can be for joyful reasons, not just reasons that are a bummer. And that traditions can be great but they can also be things that you just don't need to do!! It gives my perfectionism perfect teenage side-eye judgement and invites me to take a breath and ask myself if that's what I really want in my life.
I just finished drafting a piece on my tense relationship to gift-giving, and in my head at least, what I learned from writing that is related to this. I'm going to link to this in that piece because I wish I'd written what you've written here.
My situation is different - I will be 70 on my next birthday, children are grown and gone, it's just hubs and me now. So I do as much as I enjoy doing - I celebrate Yule so I love putting up lights and greenery. I like to do some cooking and baking. But it's not a marathon or a sprint. We send the kids and grandkids money because it's easy for us and it's what everybody really wants lol. I would miss the holidays if I didn't observe them to some extent. I just do as much as I want to do. If others want to do more, I am good with that too.
I have never done Christmas cards because I figure you either see me on social media if you care enough to look or if you’re not on there and don’t reach out/I am no longer texting you regularly, it probably means we’re not super invested in our relationship anyway. It may be cynical, but I have a handful of friends who aren’t on social media that I still keep up with well, so I don’t see the point in that particular task. I simply don’t feel like I have the energy for another thankless task.
As it is December is the time where it always feels so overwhelming between the pressure to make something cute for parents for their baby’s first Christmas daycare gift, the 12 days of celebration spirit days where I have to try to find something special to wear/for my daughter to wear, and in addition to Christmas I also know I won’t have childcare the whole week of Christmas since I am off work and will be home with my daughter (she is in preK at the school where I work in the infant room). I am sure it will go fast, but I am already feeling stressed by December.
Super interesting, especially the so recent pile-ons of extra stress traditions, which most people insist have been going on so much longer. I find it so hard to navigate so many people’s different expectations. Even Santa gets to rest and prepare all year for Christmas night! - but this somehow gets lost in translation.
I found this so interesting to read about how traditions are a relatively recent thing. I also laughed at the throwing your present in the bin, I can imagine myself doing something similar in sheer frustration!! And yes, you are so right, it all falls on us and it's not just another day, as my husband says this too. I find every December hard to navigate and am glad when it's all over!
I've been quiet quitting a lot of these gendered things lately and actually -- there are other possibilities that arise when I stop running around creating wonder (for others). This magic making is such an embedded requirement for women and especially moms, as you mention, and I've really been experimenting with whether the world DOES really end without it? If so whose? It turns out that it's not actually the children's world - which is premised to rely so much on this emotional labor, -- though their worlds do need active attention. It's men who suffer most. Though they may say they are fine with lifesavers and a delivery from the sporting goods store, the whole reason we do so much more is that they want it too, but they mostly want to feel entitled to it. That's the very thing that finally broke me; when I realized that kids don't want you to be resentful and tired and under appreciated. That's way worse for them then there being no elves.
So well said. Running around creating “wonder” for others is a whole job.
We have 13 whole days left of school…my husband is very low stress during the holiday season. He does take care of all the presents for his side of the family and always has but his mom is a very thoughtful gift giver and I try to step up my game for my MIL.
His brothers and dad don’t need me to pick out anything though at various times we have gift giving with a secret Santa type thing with the extended family. This year we are doing white elephant for adults and secret Santa for the kids- there are now 11 cousins 8 and under on his side.
It’s always stressful but I like having things to look forward to! I’m also going to Eras Tour this weekend and have some mom guilt about leaving my kids and losing a weekend of the holiday season but I’m sure we will still have plenty of time together.
This all sounds very familiar, but I have to say that going to the Eras tour ALONE might be the best holiday plan I've heard! Please enjoy it for the rest of us!
I want you to live your best life this weekend sissy! I will be at the Christmas parade being cold I am sure and then Hannah has a birthday party in the afternoon which means I will have to be in my socializing parent mode and will not be relaxed at all.
Thankfully we don’t have to buy that many presents since we don’t really do presents for his side anymore (we’ve been giving a family donation to the local food bank instead for years for them, so my daughter and baby David are the only ones who will get anything on his side).
It is my task to buy presents for our daughter and my side of the family, but I am planning to do a pickup order for Barnes and Noble, a trip to Target and to do an Amazon order if needed. I always get my wrapping done while I watch a Netflix Christmas movie the weekend before Christmas. I do have Secret Santa coming up in soon for work, but I can usually get the small stuff for that at Dollar General or the grocery store. I am hoping it won’t feel too stressful, and hopefully I will get some nice gift cards from the parents of the babies in my class so I can live my best life with some treats! Last year I was able to use ChickFila gift cards into March since I usually just get fries and lemonade.
Thanks for sharing - what a time of year it is!
The phrase that has helped me is "traditions are peer pressure from dead people" - I can't remember where I saw it but it rang so true that not every year will look exactly the same and that can be for joyful reasons, not just reasons that are a bummer. And that traditions can be great but they can also be things that you just don't need to do!! It gives my perfectionism perfect teenage side-eye judgement and invites me to take a breath and ask myself if that's what I really want in my life.
This quote on traditions just made my day 😂 💯
This quote is fantastic - I need to write it down before I forget it.
I just finished drafting a piece on my tense relationship to gift-giving, and in my head at least, what I learned from writing that is related to this. I'm going to link to this in that piece because I wish I'd written what you've written here.
Aw thanks! Link away, will be interested to see!
My situation is different - I will be 70 on my next birthday, children are grown and gone, it's just hubs and me now. So I do as much as I enjoy doing - I celebrate Yule so I love putting up lights and greenery. I like to do some cooking and baking. But it's not a marathon or a sprint. We send the kids and grandkids money because it's easy for us and it's what everybody really wants lol. I would miss the holidays if I didn't observe them to some extent. I just do as much as I want to do. If others want to do more, I am good with that too.
I have never done Christmas cards because I figure you either see me on social media if you care enough to look or if you’re not on there and don’t reach out/I am no longer texting you regularly, it probably means we’re not super invested in our relationship anyway. It may be cynical, but I have a handful of friends who aren’t on social media that I still keep up with well, so I don’t see the point in that particular task. I simply don’t feel like I have the energy for another thankless task.
As it is December is the time where it always feels so overwhelming between the pressure to make something cute for parents for their baby’s first Christmas daycare gift, the 12 days of celebration spirit days where I have to try to find something special to wear/for my daughter to wear, and in addition to Christmas I also know I won’t have childcare the whole week of Christmas since I am off work and will be home with my daughter (she is in preK at the school where I work in the infant room). I am sure it will go fast, but I am already feeling stressed by December.
Thanks you Lane for sharing about the pressures of December for women, and also about the importance of special times of merriment to look forward to.
Wishing you a Happy Birthday and joyous holidays
Thank you Ani, and the very same to you!
Super interesting, especially the so recent pile-ons of extra stress traditions, which most people insist have been going on so much longer. I find it so hard to navigate so many people’s different expectations. Even Santa gets to rest and prepare all year for Christmas night! - but this somehow gets lost in translation.
Many comments here re: traditions, which makes me think we need to re-think it all!
We do!
I found this so interesting to read about how traditions are a relatively recent thing. I also laughed at the throwing your present in the bin, I can imagine myself doing something similar in sheer frustration!! And yes, you are so right, it all falls on us and it's not just another day, as my husband says this too. I find every December hard to navigate and am glad when it's all over!
Ha! TY! That part is kind of embarrassing but also relatable I hope?!
Agree it’s exhausting even when it goes well. And it doesn’t always!