Parenthood, Erotic Pleasure and Other Lessons from Angela Garbes
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A few weeks ago, I had a long and luxurious conversation with Angela Garbes, one of my heroes.
Her book, Essential Labor, explores the history of caregiving in the U.S., reflecting on everything from the need for better federal paid leave policy, to the sweetness of sharing meals with neighbors.
We wrapped up our conversation talking about sex, pleasure, Dance Church and the sensual joys of holding babies.
“There's deep physical pleasure that I derive from caring for my children and taking care of their bodies,” Garbes said.
“For me, becoming a mother just made me a more fully embodied person. I felt so much more appreciation for my body, and I wanted to feel more pleasure. I didn't grow up being allowed to really own sexual pleasure or understand it or talk about it.
And I just wanted sex to feel like lower stakes. Lower stakes, higher pleasure. And so I realized: “Who even decides what sex is?” We get to decide. That's why I was really inspired by queer sex, and by crip sex. It can be anything you want it to be, as long as there is connection and feeling good. It's very liberating.”
Garbes has written that “mothering is sensual—endemic to the body and bringing both profound joy and fulfillment. It cultivates and nurtures a child’s life force and essence. It is labor that can bestow a primal sense of satisfaction to children and caregivers alike.”
You can read our full conversation, here. And tell us: What are the moments of parenthood that bring you the most pleasure?
MATRIARCHY REPORT is written by Lane Anderson and Allison Lichter.
Lane Anderson is a writer, journalist, and Clinical Associate Professor at NYU who has won several awards for her writing on inequality and family social issues. She has an MFA from Columbia University. She was raised in Utah and is based in New York City with her partner and young daughter.
Allison Lichter is an Associate Dean at the Newmark School of Journalism at the City University of New York. She has been a writer, producer and editor for radio and print, covering the arts, politics, and the workplace. She was born and raised in Queens, and lives in Brooklyn with her partner and daughter.
I loved this book. I felt seen as a Filipina and a mother, a feeling I don’t find very often.
The moments of parenthood that bring me pleasure are when I get to model behavior instead of setting rules. Mothering taught me that to be the best mom I can be, I need to work on me. My role is not to mold an extension of me, my kids are whole humans that can see their mom is working on being a good person and hopefully they can learn to work on being the best version of themselves too.