I watched wife-and-motherhood kill my aunt, nearly kill my mother, and leave about half of us cousins twisting in the wind as kids. I just couldn't ever bring myself to trust a dude to stick around, couldn't gin up the belief that having a baby, or two, wouldn't bankrupt and kill me. And so, I don't have kids. I was a fabulous auntie, a great nanny, and pretty much raised a bunch of younger cousins. I would have liked to have had kids. I love my life, but as with my writing career that stalled out, as with academia which I left -- actual financial stability via proper government support would have made all the difference.
Wow Charlotte thanks for sharing this. This resonates w me and I know a lot of others. There’s no real choosing when all the choices are bad/fraught/risky.
I also grew up v suspicious of marriage for similar reasons and have always had a hard time trying to talk myself into twisting into its shape.
I mean, it also wasn't entirely a *choice* -- if I'd met someone who was great! during the window when having a baby made sense -- I probably would have. But that didn't happen, and in part I think it didn't happen because I really did think marriage would kill me. The falseness of the "choice" narrative is so pernicious.
I watched wife-and-motherhood kill my aunt, nearly kill my mother, and leave about half of us cousins twisting in the wind as kids. I just couldn't ever bring myself to trust a dude to stick around, couldn't gin up the belief that having a baby, or two, wouldn't bankrupt and kill me. And so, I don't have kids. I was a fabulous auntie, a great nanny, and pretty much raised a bunch of younger cousins. I would have liked to have had kids. I love my life, but as with my writing career that stalled out, as with academia which I left -- actual financial stability via proper government support would have made all the difference.
Wow Charlotte thanks for sharing this. This resonates w me and I know a lot of others. There’s no real choosing when all the choices are bad/fraught/risky.
I also grew up v suspicious of marriage for similar reasons and have always had a hard time trying to talk myself into twisting into its shape.
I mean, it also wasn't entirely a *choice* -- if I'd met someone who was great! during the window when having a baby made sense -- I probably would have. But that didn't happen, and in part I think it didn't happen because I really did think marriage would kill me. The falseness of the "choice" narrative is so pernicious.
This was so good!
Aw, thx so much Cindy!! Means a lot coming from you :)
Loving this newsletter and the extra nudge to read Touched Out. It’s been on my list for a while.
Thanks so much, Chelsea! And yes--get the book. It's so so good I think you'll love it.