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Meg Cormier's avatar

About a year ago, after 10+ years of motherhood and marriage to a controlling partner (that is now ending), I started making solo retreats to a small second home owned by my mom. These retreats were and continue to be short and infrequent- 2 or 3 days no more than once per month (max). During these retreats, when I’m not performing my day job remotely, I don’t do much. I read, go for walks, stare at the sky, journal, and yes, sleep naked. They have unequivocally saved me from “going off the deep end” amid utter and complete mental exhaustion and pathological levels of frustration.

I’m trying to figure how to explain this fact to my husband, who is deeply resentful that I do this. As we attempt to negotiate a co-parenting schedule amid our separation, he insists that we swap duties “every other day” in a clear bid to prevent me from leaving town, ever. He claims that it’s “not equitable” that I have easy access to a space outside our home. My attempts to encourage to him to book airbnbs anytime he wants, or take extended trips to visit friends and family (he works remotely so this is totally doable) are met with more resentment.

As I ponder this situation, there’s a quote from Marianne in the show “Normal People” that constantly runs through my head: “From my experience, men are more interested in limiting the freedoms of women than they are in exercising their own.”

Same here, Marianne.

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Merideth Thompson, Ph.D.'s avatar

Thank you for sharing - every bit of this is incredibly relatable! One thought: there is something different about being in your own home and alone - different from a hotel room on a work trip, etc. I tend to think it's the Peace and Freedom that comes with that privacy and solitude in one's own, hopefully safe, space. We can be our completely authentic selves. We don't have to even subconsciously wonder or worry if those close to us need something. We can focus solely on our own needs. That feeling and experience is way too infrequent for most women but so needed to hang on to and embrace our own sense of Self.

Second, for those who have the resources for an extra room in their home: Claim that room as yours! It's your place where you can escape and get some solitude even when someone else is in the house. No one can come in until they knock and are granted access. Even better if that room has an attached bathroom. My male partner and I have rolled this way since August of 2020 and it works stunningly well. Just my .02.

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