My Mormon explainer on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

Mormon women misbehaving is my kink. Let me decode this for you.

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I don’t even like reality TV, but of course I had to start watching this Hulu series. I was raised Mormon, in Salt Lake City, and I write about patriarchy often through the lens of Mormonism. So.

A show about Mormon women misbehaving? YESSSSS.

There’s almost no version of Mormon women misbehaving that isn’t going to have me pulling out my popcorn and pouring an extra-large Stanley full of Diet Coke. This isn’t my usual thing, but if it has Mormon women pissing off powerful men in some capacity—I’m in. (Even if it’s standard fare reality TV drama, apparently.)

For the uninitiated, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is a Hulu series that follows eight young Mormon mom influencers in Utah that formed a group of TikTokers known as “MomTok.” The show picks up after some fallings-out and a swingers scandal that went viral and was heard around the world. Drama ensues.

To be sure, a lot of this is just trashy T.V., (and I’m only on episode 4) but I found I could not resist this.

So here we go. First, I’m seeing this question a lot:

Are these women actually Mormon? Aren’t they breaking, like, all the rules?

I am getting this question or seeing some version of this question—from Mormons and non-Mormons alike, and I gotta say, it seems bananas to me.

OF COURSE they are Mormon.

Being Mormon is not like becoming a vegan in college, and then deciding you’re just not into it anymore one day, so you start eating Taco Bell again and just like that, you’re not vegan anymore. No. You can’t just “stop” being Mormon one day because you broke some dietary restrictions.

Mormonism is a high-demand, high-context religion that involves religious patriarchal conditioning from the time that you are born, if you’re raised in the church. Mormonism is an all-encompassing existential framework of reality: if you’re raised Mormon, your entire worldview and the way that you see your body, sex, gender, education, history, relationships, a sense of right and wrong, your life purpose and your pre-life and post-life existence, and indeed even if it’s okay to let your shoulders show or what your underwear looks like has been informed by Mormonism.

There is no part of your life, no thought you can form, that’s not filtered through your Mormon-wired brain.

This conditioning is so strong that researchers and psychologists have documented the psychological “world collapse” that results when a Mormon’s belief in the church disintegrates or they experience religious disenchantment. This is marked by depression, anxiety, and paranoia, and not for nothing, because aside from your reality melting away like the Matrix, you stand to lose your friends and family and all that you hold dear. (Consider Taylor’s strained relationship with her mom and her refrain that she “doesn’t want to be shunned.” That’s real.)

There are entire support and de-conditioning programs for leaving Mormonism and high-demand religions, so yes, these women are Mormon.

And most of them are still too young and intertwined to NOT be Mormon. Nearly all of them are in their twenties, and have been heavily influenced by Mormonism enough to get married in their teens and early twenties (“before their brains fully developed”), and started having children very young (one had a baby at 16!!). That means that they are both young enough and close enough to Mormonism in recent history that they just haven’t had time for Mormonism to leave their systems, even if they wanted it to.

And, honestly, this is why I feel for these women, in all of their Kardashian-aspiring, girlboss, basic Regina George ways.

I feel like what we are watching is young Mormon women question and transition from patriarchal Mormonism in real time.

And well, that’s something.

It’s kind of thrilling to me, honestly, because when has anyone documented anything about the experience of Mormon women, ever? The Mormon church certainly hasn’t.

And if the vehicle for that happens to be Mormon women questioning and misbehaving and using their groomed-from-birth-to-please-the-male-gaze-at-all-costs HOTNESS that just happens to be made-for-social-media GOLD in order to push the boundaries and troll the church, SO BE IT. (Even if it is a little depressingly “made by Bravo,” let’s be honest).

And it’s working. You know how I know? Because the Mormon Church released an official statement. An official church statement about #MomTok. An official statement about a soft-swinging scandal revealed by a young woman best known for booty-shaking in a crop top to “Everybody in the Bar Gettin’ Tipsy” by Shaboozey.

Ha! Reader, this brings me joy. I am cackling just thinking about it.

@taylorfrankiepauljust some Mormon moms over here #GossipGirlHere #momtok #mormon

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Is Taylor Paul our polygamist-wife ancestors’ dream? Hard to say, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. (Image: @taylorfrankiepaul ‘s Tiktok)

Here’s the church’s official statement on TSLOMW, saying that there’s a “fascination with some in the media” with the church, but that these portrayals “rely on sensationalism and inaccuracies” that “don’t reflect the members.”

“Millions of Church members around the world are deeply dedicated to family, fidelity, service and the gospel of Jesus Christ. We invite all to consult reliable sources of information and listen to the voices and authentic experiences of individuals and families who find great joy and satisfaction in living these principles.

The true story of our faith is best seen in the countless lives of those who strive daily to follow our Savior Jesus Christ.”

The italics on fidelity are mine. As if all “real” members of the church were 100% perfectly faithful hetero couples who never batted an eye at another. Never mind that the founding prophets of the church had dozens of side girls that they coerced into relationships with them. (“Doesn’t reflect the members?” Sure seems to reflect some of the leaders tho…!)

And you know what else is extremely Mormon? Like, famously and notoriously Mormon? NON-MONOGAMY. But apparently it’s all good if it’s a man, like church founder Brigham Young who alone had a mansion with 20 gables where he kept 20 girls and women right out in the open in Salt Lake City.

But if a young Mormon woman tries mixing it up? Even with the consent of her partner? INFIDELITY. Get the guys together and draft the OFFICIAL CHURCH STATEMENT.

Is Taylor Frankie Paul the revenge fantasy of our polygamist-wife ancestors? Is she our sister-wife ancestors’ dream? Hard to say, but possibly??

Is #MomTok taking down the patriarchy? Nah. But it’s definitely trolling it, and maybe that’s good enough for me right now.

Ballerina Farm and the weird Christian Nationalist dream

The Mormon/LDS church, like many high-demand patriarchal religions, is bleeding young people right now, in large part due to regressive stances on women, the LGBTQ+ community, as well as historical oppression of women and people of color. The women in this show may not be bringing down patriarchy (and represent a healthy amount of toxic femininity/internalized misogyny), but TSLOMW does represent the phenomenon of young people who have access to the internet and are rejecting their restrictive and sometimes regressive faith traditions.

Here are a some other things from the show that are SUPER Mormon, in no particular order:

• This aesthetic. The barrel-waved hair extensions, the highlights in multiple colors, the lash extensions, the “microbladed” brows that look like tattoos more than body hair, the gel nails, the colored contacts. The wardrobe that looks lifted from an Amazon Fashion “recommended for you” page--this is signature young Utah new money.

• The names. The names that are not the same name, but sound like it. They all somehow sound like the names of blonde girls that you knew in high school, but the spellings get wild. There’s an “i” or an extra “e” where a “y” should be (Mikayla? Mykayla? Mayci? Mayceigh? who can keep track). Vowels are added and subtracted with pure chaos. Names and spellings that are, um, inventive—is a well-documented Mormon phenomenon.

• A grown woman asking her mom if she can use a vibrator?

• Omg they are using laughing gas to get high!! I heard rumors of people doing this in high school to “get around the rules” of Mormon restrictions, which prohibit all recreational drug use. But I never knew anyone who actually did it. Adults resorting to weird work-arounds for otherwise legal activities instead of doing as they wish is classic behavior in a repressed culture. Doing it WHILE getting Botox? Chef’s’ kiss.

  

• The unimpeachable conventional HOTNESS. The way these women have absolutely MASTERED pleasing the male gaze with zero subtlety. I mean, I can’t look away, can you? They practically shimmer on the screen. Look, NO ONE knows how to look conventionally hot like a Mormon girl who has set her mind to it. Because when you’re taught from birth that your self-worth, purpose in life and salvation rely on a marrying not just any man—but a Mormon man (who are in short supply as more young men leave the church than women), you get serious about studying how to please the (white, conservative) male gaze. Like, PhD level—and these women are HOLDING CLASS. (When I was in grad school in New York my young adults Mormon congregation was known as the “Sex and the City” church because every woman in it looked like Carrie Bradshaw).

• The relative NOT-hotness of their dudes and husbands. One thing that drives me nuts about Mormon culture is that as with many high-demand religious cultures, the guys are always dating up (and generally feeling entitled to it), due to all the reasons in the previous paragraph. There’s not one woman on this show who you wouldn’t make out with, metaphorically speaking (or literally depending on your preferences), and yet not one of their dudes is especially appealing in any way, really. I’m not into shaming anyone for their appearance, but the galling gendered inequity in beauty standards of high-demand faiths is on full display in TSLOMW.

• The confusing chaos of Mormon dietary restrictions. As

  Sara Petersen
  pointed out here, there’s no making sense of it. And look, Mormons themselves can’t really parse it, so don’t try. Yes, Joseph Smith gave an official decree on dietary restrictions during the temperance movement called “The Word of Wisdom.” The official decree from 1833 has many wide-ranging restrictions, from no alcohol, to no tobacco, to “no hot drinks” (?) to “eat meat sparingly.” None of it matters—all that matters is the way that the church leadership is enforcing it and interpreting it as a means of social control now, which over the last 80 years or so has been: No alcohol, no coffee, no black tea, no drugs, no nicotine, no fun. It’s a mechanism of social control and in-group out-group identifying, so it’s arbitrary, there’s no real logic to it. The official decree predates soda, so when caffeinated soda came out, Mormons seized on it, and the church leadership has never bothered to ban it¹. Thus, Mormons have a LOT of caffeinated soda (it replaces coffee and alcohol for a lot of Mormons, who can blame them?) and a lot of sugar because we all need our vices (right Conner?) Sidenote: Porn use is also very, very high in Utah.)

And last but not least:

• Mormon women can dance. I know, it’s shocking in such a white conservative culture. But the confluence of dance routines and conventional hotness on Tiktok means that Mormon MomTok was social media destiny. Competitive dance for girls is a big part of Mormon culture—every community has its elite dance studio, and every high school has a competitive dance team. I was one of these dancing Mormon girls (in high school I was on cheer, the modern dance company, drill team…and I LOVED it). My high school dance team went to a national competition and swept it. I mean, we beat the girls from TEXAS.² And it makes no sense but also, it makes perfect sense. An approved art form that allows women to wear the body-skimming, tight clothes that they otherwise can’t wear, and allows them to perform the sexy moves that are otherwise forbidden? Who’s going to object—the guys? Everyone wins, really.

Think about how many Mormons have been on So You Think You Can Dance. At least two of the principal dancers at New York City Ballet are Mormon or former-Mormon, off the top of my head. And of course Ballerina Farm’s Hannah Neeleman is a former Juilliard dancer. (Fun fact! The hit Netflix series “Cheer” and The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders doc are made by a Mormon film director—my friend and former college BF, no less!)

Nothing allows a Mormon girl (in this case SYTYCD’s Chelsie Hightower—note the spelling!) to go from this:

Chelsie Hightower in front of a Mormon temple (Image from her Instagram)

To this—with zero social repercussions—like a dance routine.

LDS member Chelsie Hightower competes in SYTYCD (image via her Instagram)

We LOVE dance!

Some of the most devout Mormon women I know will post video like this of their daughters with zero shame and nary a second thought. Needless to say, I kinda love it.

chelshightower

A post shared by @chelshightower

Of course, there’s also many other things in the show that are darker—family estrangement, shunning, eating disorders, domestic abuse and controlling relationships. But that will have to wait for the next installment.

I’m only on episode 4!

Would you be up for watching TSLOMW together? Subscribers, Watch for an email for a live watching event in your inboxes.

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MATRIARCHY REPORT is written by Lane Anderson and Allison Lichter.

Lane Anderson is a writer, journalist, and Clinical Associate Professor at NYU who has won fellowships and many SPJ awards for her writing on inequality and family social issues. She has an MFA from Columbia University. She was raised in Utah and lives in New York City with her partner and young daughter.

Allison Lichter is associate dean at the Newmark Graduate School of Journalism at the City University of New York. She has been a writer, producer and editor for radio and print, covering the arts, politics, and the workplace. She was born and raised in Queens, and lives in Brooklyn with her partner and daughter.

1. Caffeinated soda was mildly frowned on when I was a kid, but never banned. Really really hardcore Mormons abstained from chocolate (bc caffeine) as a flex. And caffeinated soda wasn’t provided in BYU campus vending machines until very recently—ha!

2. In retrospect, if there had been more representation from Black dance troupes we would have had our asses handed to us, for sure.