Parenting is hazardous to your health, says Surgeon General
Surely back-to-school is high risk behavior
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Parents are under so much stress, even the U.S. Surgeon General has sounded the alarm.
“48 percent of parents say most days their stress is completely overwhelming,” Dr. Vivek H. Murthy wrote in a Times op-ed this week, citing a study by the American Psychological Association.
Parents, especially single parents, report feeling lonelier than other adults, as well as stretched for time, along with being simply exhausted.
The stressors parents face, Murthy wrote, “constitute a serious public health concern for our country. Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need tangible support.”
To which we say, yeah, we know! We write about it all the time! But isn’t is super validating to hear about it from an actual government official? (By the way, if this isn’t enough to give you a crush on Murthy, try this On Being interview with him—where he talks at length about love, and human connection and healing. Swoon!)
Murthy proposes a range of practical interventions, from child tax credits to paid time off to affordable childcare (which, ahem, we have been proclaiming here at MR for a long time, just sayin’!)
These policy changes would make a tangible difference in families’ lives, he says, as would efforts to end gun violence, and the harms caused by social media use.
Please note, nowhere in his op-ed does Murthy suggest that parents should rely more on the kindness of friends and family to take care of your kids.
Earlier this summer. Lane wrote about how the idea of The Village: How parents, especially women, are admonished to ask for help — usually help from other women — when they’re struggling with the demands of being a parent.
“In the U.S., corporations, politicians, and patriarchy in general cluck their tongues and say, IT TAKES A VILLAGE! ASK FOR HELP!”
Mutual aid is a beautiful idea, but I worry that in reality without structural support “the village” in the U.S. often—sometimes too often—comes down to exploiting free female labor,” Lane wrote.
We wanted to re-visit that piece now, as the summer is finally coming to an end…and it’s time to line up after-school care!
Here’s an excerpt of Lane’s essay:
“Somewhere along my “pregnancy journey” I was handed a special pamphlet by my OB-GYN office or at my birthing class, I forget which.
The title of the pamphlet was, “Ask A Helper!”
The pamphlet had an image of smiling babies and small children in the arms of women. “You’re not meant to do it alone!” the pamphlet, which was supposed to be a guide to avoid postpartum depression, declared.
“If you’re struggling, reach out to a friend, a grandparent, or a neighbor. “Find the helpers—don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it!”
I looked at this pamphlet and cackled aloud.
At that point in my life, every woman that I knew had a job—living in NYC and being in my 40’s, most of my friends had demanding jobs. Amongst my circle of close single girlfriends, one worked in a hospital OR, one worked as a creative director for a big home goods brand, and one was a senior editor for a major book publisher.
All my other female friends had kids of their own and a traditional job.
I imagined myself exhausted and isolated from caring for a newborn and calling one of them to take paid time off so they could come rescue me for a day. HAHAHAHA!
I would have to be bleeding or on my way to the E.R. before I made that call. It would be ridiculous and frankly rude to make that ask unless the situation was dire.
And even then, I could never ever imagine asking for more than one day of help. And I’m pretty sure that postpartum depression lasts for more than one day.
I recognized immediately that this pamphlet and whoever created it (The Medical Establishment? A Government Agency? A Patriarchal Fairytale Business?) was directing its readers to tap into what they imagined was a ready supply of free female labor, ready for the taking if you just asked!!
Do they think there are actual fairies just waiting for you to call on them to do free work? (Do they think that’s what women are? )
Imagine a pamphlet for dads full of children in men’s arms, and a declaration to “Ask for help!” If you’re struggling, call your lawyer or accountant or that drinking buddy and ask them to hold your baby for the day! Buy them a beer as payment. You just have to askkkkkk!”
The pamphlet smacked me over the head with its message of unvarnished cultural reality: Mutual aid is a beautiful idea, but in reality without structural support messages that urge us to fill the gaps with “the village” often—sometimes too often—comes down to exploiting free female labor.”
You can read the entire piece here:
Four days left! Our summer discount on annual subscriptions for $39 (that’s only $3.25 a month!) ends MONDAY on Labor Day. Paid subscribers get access to subscriber chats, the full archives, thoughtful essays and interviews, book club perks, and other paid content that keeps us sane in these times.
This is the lowest price that we will offer this year!
MATRIARCHY REPORT is written by Lane Anderson and Allison Lichter.
Lane Anderson is a writer, journalist, and Clinical Associate Professor at NYU who has won fellowships and many SPJ awards for her writing on inequality and family social issues. She has an MFA from Columbia University. She was raised in Utah and lives in New York City with her partner and young daughter.
Allison Lichter is associate dean at the Newmark Graduate School of Journalism at the City University of New York. She has been a writer, producer and editor for radio and print, covering the arts, politics, and the workplace. She was born and raised in Queens, and lives in Brooklyn with her partner and daughter.
I really needed to re-read your hilarious and incisive take on that Ask a Helper!! pamphlet you were given while pregnant. We definitely all need help, but asking struggling adults to ask for help from other struggling adults is not a solution to a structural problem.
I felt v seen by this! I like this guy.